Why Some People Just Shouldn't Get Their Hands on a Computer

Last change: 30th September, 1998

A True Story

A year or two ago the hero of our story called and told me he had got his first computer (for free) and he wanted to get the chess program he had heard about. So I grabbed a few diskettes and ran over (it was about 8 in the evening!). It was a 286 with Windows 3.1 or even 3.0. Who was so smart to put windows on that machine? OK, so I unzipped my little archive of shareware games (in the meantime he asked me 'How many minutes can you put on one diskette?' - he was convinced that diskettes were just like cassettes, I do not blame him for asking this), ran windows, file manager and dragged the icons to the program manager. Naturally two thirds of the programs didn't work. So I deleted them. All together it took about three hours. No reward was given. Oh, I lied. I got a chocolate.
Soon he called again. The computer wasn't working. I went there. Couldn't fix it. He messed with the BIOS setup. He tried every command in it to see what happens. He changed the hard disk settings, maybe even formatted it. No wonder it didn't work. Later I found out he accidentally got in the BIOS. Windows have frozen (Thank you, Bill) so he used the Ctrl+Alt+Del for his first time (he read it in a book - one of those 'for dummies') once and probably a few more times because nothing happened for a few seconds or he just hold it down and let go the Ctrl and Alt before Del. I could blame it on the book. So he got into BIOS setup. And he didn't know how to get out! He doesn't speak (or read) English. If he just called someone (like me) and asked! But no. He tried everything. There were some tests for the graphics card. He just loved watching them. In search for more such 'fun' he messed up the hard disk. I didn't get a chocolate, but I didn'd even fix anything.
He called me again. Apparently windows just wouldn't start. I just thought 'Thanks, Microsoft'. So I had to drop everything and run over. At least I didn't have to go far. Of course I typed 'win' and pressed Enter. The response was 'Bad command or file name'. So, what has happened to the win.com file? There just wasn't any. Fortunatelly 'undelete' worked. So that was it. He deleted win.com. Now let's try to speculate how this happened. The poor guy was just trying to make some space on his hard drive. The first time I was there he watched me deleting some unplayable games with the file manager. He must have remembered how to do that (He only saw it two dozen times). He just went on trying every executable file (the ones with small window icons - he doesn't know what the extensions mean) on the disk. He deleted everything that didn't work. So under his mouse pointer came win.com. He double-clicked and the screen went blank and returned back to the file manager. So he deleted it. Instead of giving me cash he promised to take pictures of my wedding. I don't plan to get married yet. And who wants a photographer who looks like Adolf H. and smells like a burned box of cigarettes? No, thanks.
A few days afterwards he needed me again. I told that from that time on my services would not be free anymore. Try telling that to a brick wall. I finally had to go there about a week later. I had to copy some game to his computer. It didn't work. He messed up the diskette somehow. He didn't like the way the mouse driver was showing itself at loading. Under a blue rectangle there were some strange characters. OK, no problem, I just changed the mouse driver (a minute up or down). But it wasn't OK for him. He wanted the blue rectangle back. Help! Hilfe! Aiuto! Au secours! Sa'adni! Na pomoc! Pomahajte! U pomoc! (send me email if you can say it in any other language - subject 'help') He didn't give me anything. I didn't even expect it. He just repeated the promise about my wedding.
He hasn't called me since. I hope he is waiting for me to get married so he will be able to take pictures and repay me. In that case, the solution is simple: I just won't get married. Or keep the date of the wedding a secret. If I am lucky enough he will find someone else to fix his computer. I wish his next computer expert good luck. He will need it.

I do not mind people who don't know anything about computers. Even I was once one of them. But I didn't do any of the things our hero did (I don't know anyone else who did). A very small part of the computer illiterates is so bad. They just have to click everywhere, try everything they do not understand or have no knowledge about, ask questions when it is much too late and just make a total mess of the PC. This is why some people just shouldn't have a computer. On the other hand, if I owned or worked in a computer repair shop I'd just thank mother Nature for them.

The story continued after a few months delay.
The 'problem': 'The games are working fine, but the rectangles aren't.'
Thought: 'What the hell is he talking about?'
First explanation of the problem: 'Probably messed up the Norton Commander again.'
First solution: I went there with a spare copy of NC on a system diskette.
Actual problem: There was no icon for the file manager.
Solution: file/new ...
The cause of the problem: he ran a DOS game from file manager (I don't know how many times I've told him not to do that (specially on a 286) - if he must, he better use NC). So the game didn't want to exit. He pressed Alt+Tab and returned to windows (program manager). The DOS game was showing as an icon in the corner of the screen. He tried to get rid of it it by pressing Delete. File manager was selected in the Program manager. Need I say more?
Now the story turns in the opposite direction: I break his computer. Murphy's law of computer science claimed another victim: the battery that powers the EPROM that holds the system configuration apparently exhausted in the five minutes I was there or there was something else wrong with it. Since I am not a computer technician I couldn't fix it. So he had to take it to one.
I hoped he would blame me for that and leave me alone for a while, but he called me the next day!. The computer was working slower now. I told him there was a 'Turbo' switch on the computer. But it was on. He told me I should come over and look at it some time. I wondered how I could avoid it.
He hasn't called me for a whole year now, so this story is most probably over.

24 rules you should follow when dealing with Computer Illiterates(CIs):
1. Avoid them if possible.
2. Find someone else to deal with them.
3. Avoid them if possible.
4. Delay the visit for as long as possible.
5. Avoid them if possible.
6. Don't even try to explain them anything they don't understand after explaining it more than five times (three times if you already used this rule on the same CI).
7. Avoid them if possible.
8. Don't even try to fix a computer over the phone, if there are only CIs (computer illiterates) on the other side.
9. Avoid them if possible.
10. Don't try to find out what the problem really is over the phone more than five times (twice if you already used this rule on the same CI).
11. Avoid them if possible.
12. Lie to them to make them do something they should but you can't convince them otherwise.
13. Avoid them if possible.
14. Ignore strange questions after trying to answer them several times.
15. Avoid them if possible.
16. Make up answers to strange questions that will help them to do the proper thing or not to do what they are not supposed to do.
17. Avoid them if possible.
18. Ignore them if possible.
19. Avoid them if possible.
20. Use the sentences 'I don't know.', 'I can't fix it', 'I have no idea', 'I don't understand.', 'I'm not familiar with this type of computer/program/software/operating system/hardware' as often as possible. There is a chance they will think you can't help them and leave you alone. It never works for me.
21. Avoid them if possible.
22. Tell them their computer might blow up if they change anything / do what they are not supposed to.
23. Avoid them if possible.
24. Avoid them if possible.

If you are desperate and the above rules don't help you, you can try some of this (I am not responsible for the consequences):
1. Make a total mess of their computer.
2. Make fun of them.
3. Avoid them if impossible.
4. Change the text color to background color. (under windows change all colors to red).
5. Put a line 'autoexec.bat' in their autoexec.bat.
6. Completelly fill their hard disk with useless files.
7. Try making as much RAM as possible unavailable.
8. Insist on an unreasonable fee.
9. In BIOS setup switch off the cache, turbo speed, switch on all ROM shadow options, etc. But make sure they don't suspect anything. The computer should barely work after this.
10. Make all explanations of procedures as painful, long and difficult as possible.
11. Do something worse than they did.
12. Get them even more confused.
13. Convince them that their computer only works on 29th of February, if it is Friday and full moon.
14. Convince them they should buy something very expensive otherwise the computer won't work.
15. Add this to their autoexec.bat: 'prompt Leave me alone!'
16. Teach them everything that is wrong.

This should make the CIs run away, if they ever see a computer or at least you again.

Some other CI questions with appropriate answers :)

• Stupid phone questions
  • Q: How do you get from one internet to another?
    A: Simple, switch off your monitor and wait until the computer gives you the message that you got to the other internet.
  • Q: I can't browse the internet (while talking to me on the phone using the same line used to dial the internet provider).
    A: There must be something very wrong with your computer. Switch it off immediately and take it back to the computer shop.
  • Q: Do you have to get out of the internet to get to another one?
    A: From March to October yes, otherwise no.
• Stupid e-mail addressed to me:
  • Someone sent me a screenshot of a windows error message that occured in one of my DOS games.
    A: I wonder why you didn't photograph your computer screen, scan the photography and send it to me (oops, maybe he did that?).
  • Later he sent me the entire game (zipped) to check what was wrong with it.
    A: You forgot to include the entire contents of your hard disk.
• I'm glad this didn't happen to me:
  • Eileen: My girl friend, to whom I'm giving a 286 to, got all excited, asked me "does it have a tv with it?"
    A: Of course, but don't forget the microwave oven.

To find out what else CIs are capable off, check out the 'True' Computer Illiteracy Stories

Somebody wrote my story was insulting. What do you think?

Current votes:
• 7 negative (yes, insulting) (5 of these from Slovenia)
• 5 positive (no, not insulting) (1)
• Most positive (Jang): I think it's disturbing and hillarious at the same time! Of the 24 rules one should follow when dealing with CIs, I personally follow numbers 1,3,5,7,9,11,13,15,17,19,21,23,24.

If you have any stories about people who shouldn't have a computer or you have any comment about my story, just click here.
But beware: anything you write might get posted here, unless you tell me not to.