More funny stuff... please note that some of it is already in the screensaver text file!
Netscape 4.0
Netscape's latest Web suite, Communicator Pro, isn't quite out yet, but we have the advance word on how the browser giant plans to stay ahead of Microsoft--to wit: the top ten features Navigator 4.0 has that IE 4.0 can't (or won't) match.
10. Ebonics encryption built in!
9. Included: a Net phone that calls collect
8. Built-in support for all bad "Java" puns
7. An IE uninstaller that works
6. Free subscription to Slate
5. Doesn't crash under the Mac OS for at least five minutes!
4. Supports Internet, intranet, extranet, and now in version 4.0: fishnet, hairnet, and dragnet, too
3. Support for the new HTML "/stink" tag
2. Version available for Amiga OS
1. Way beyond "push" technology, Netscape now supports "squirt"
10 Things to do in an Elevator
1.Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4.Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7.Shave.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off
How to ride dead horses
Common advise from knowledgeable horse trainers include the adage. "If the horse your're riding dies, get off." Seems simple enough, but, in education, we don't always follow that advice. Instead, we choose from an array of alternatives which include:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Trying a new bit or bridle.
3. Switching riders.
4. Saying things, "This is the way we've always ridden this horse.
5. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
6. Arranging to visit other sites where they ride dead horses more evviciently.
7. Riding the horse for longer perionds of time.
8. Increasing the standards for riding dead horses.
9. Creating a test to measure our ability to ride a dead horse.
10. Comparing how we're riding now with how we did ten or twenty years ago.
11. Coming up with new styles of riding dead horses.
12. Blaming the horse's parents. The problem is in the breeding.
13. Tightening the cinch.
Computer gender
Top 10 Reasons Computers are Male:
10. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless
9. A better model is always just around the corner
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home
7. It is always necessary to have a back-up
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
3. The lights are on,but nobody's home
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night
1. Size does matter
Top 10 Reasons Computers are Female :
10. Picky,picky,picky
9. They hear what you say,but not what you mean
8. Beauty is only shell deep
7. When you ask what's wrong ,they say " nothing "
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions
4. Small-talk is important
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong
2. They make you take the garbage out
1. Miss a period and they go wild
Country sales
A keen country lad dressed up in his only Sunday-go-to-meetin' suit, took the bus into the Big City and applied for a salesman's job at the big city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the entire world --you could literally buy *anything* there. "So tell me," the boss asked him, "have you ever been a salesman before?""Sure have," said the lad, "I was the best salesman in the county back home!" The boss liked the cut of him and said, "Well, OK: you can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up the store."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 PM came around, and the boss came by and asked him:
"Well, how many sales did you make today, young man?"
"Oh, just one," said the young salesman.
"Only ONE?" blurted his boss. "Most of my staff can make 20 or 30 sales a day! OK, OK, so how much was the sale worth?"
"Well, lessee, all told that would be three hundred twenty-four thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars and sixty-seven cents," said the young fellow, smiling broadly.
"How in hell you manage THAT?!" asked his flabbergasted boss as soon as he could pick himself up off the floor.
"Waaaall", said the salesman, "this ritzy-lookin' feller came in and Isold him a small fishhook, y'see, and then he needed a medium-sized hook too, and finally we decided he needed a really large hook on top of those. Then, I sold him a small fishin' line, and a medium one and a pure-dee huge-mongous big'un! I asked him where he was goin' fishin' and he said "down the coast." I said he'd probably be needin' a boat too, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that-thar twenty-foot schooner y'all ain't been able to sell for nigh-on two years... y'know the big'un with the twin engines? Waall, then the poor feller says his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull the whole kit-n-kaboodle, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser witha tow-hook on the rear. He was plum-happy!"
"Wait..." said the boss as he took two steps back and stared at the lad in astonishment, "you sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISHHOOK?!?"
"Waaalll, naw, not 'zactly," answered the salesman, "y'see, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him,
"Hey pal, you and I both know your weekend's screwed, so you may as well go fishin', right?
Last wish
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker.
The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music.Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?""Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and What They Actually Mean)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in *that* way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I've got a vibrator.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)