 |  |  |  |  |
---------------------------------------------
Mesto dogadjaja: kupe u vozu koji ide od Pristine do Beograda.
Lica (starring): 1. Pera Peric, poslednji put napusta kucu i
seli se (bezi) u Beograd.
2. Aljilji Remzi, koji je krenuo u Ljubljanu
sa presedanjem u Beogradu
3. jedna matora majka, i
4. njena 22-godisnja cerka, koja smerno
gleda ispred sebe, buduci da se nalazi
u kupeu sa dva nepoznata muskarca.
Voz ulazi u tunel i u kupeu nastaje totalni mrak. Cuje se
jedan poljubac i pukne jedan samar. Voz izlazi iz tunela.
Svako sedi mirno na svom mestu. Niko nista ne govori.
U back-groundu se cuju razmisljanja svakog od njih:
majka:
Blago meni, dobro sam vaspitala moje dete. Sigurno se jedan od
ovih prostaka zaleteo da je poljubi, a ona mu je opalila
samar. I treba!
cerka:
Sigurno je jedan od ovih prostaka hteo da me poljubi, pa je u
mraku pogresio i poljubio mamu. Onda mu je ona opalila dobar
samar! Bas je dobro uradila!
Aljilji:
Sigurno je ovaj iskoristio mrak da poljubi cerku, pa je ona
pomislila da sam to bio ja (jer sam muzevniji i lepsi) pa mi
je zato opalila samar.
Pera:_ Upalilo je! Kad opet udjemo u tunel, ponovo cu da puknem
usnama u vazduhu, pa cu da mu zavalim jos jednu samarcinu, da
mu otpadne uvo!
---------------------------------------------
Jedan Lenjinovih saradnik (a kasnije biograf) daje intervju
za "Pravdu":
* Sta vam je bilo najteze u ilegalnom radu?
- Vidite, u ilegali je najvaznija konspiracija: u Finskoj
smo, recimo, najuspesnije zavaravali imperijalisticke spijune
kad smo kao mesto sastanka ugovarali javne kuce. Ko bi se setio
da nas tamo prati i prisluskuje? Jednom smo se, tako, nasli u
jednoj sobi sa dve dame. Radi uverljivosti susreta, svako je
bio na zasebnom krevetu sa svojom damom. U jednom trenutku ja
podignem pogled da vidim sta Lenjin radi...
* I sta je radio?
- pa radio je isto sto i ja, ali tako toplo, tako ljudski...
--------------------------------------------------------------02857---
(bilo nekad)
Sergej Vasiljevic nikada se zapravo nije slagao sa sistemom. Iako je
bio naucni radnik vecito mu je jezik bio brzi od pameti.
Jedne veceri nakon jednog neprijatnog komentara u novinama zakuca mu
neko na vrata.
"Sergej moras brzo napustiti Moskvu, veceras ce te pokupiti i odvesti
ko zna gde!"
Spakovao se Sergej i krenuo u provinciju. U jednom kolhozu po[eo je
da radi kako bi prikrio identitet. Naravno, ljubav prema nauci nije
mu davala mira te se dobrovoljno posvetio obucavanju kolhoznika u
matematici.
Izmoren od dnebvnog posla zamislio se pred tablom oko neke
jednacine. "Ma gde li sam to pogresio ......", razmisljao je glasno.
Iznenada ucionicom se prolomi skoro jednoglasno: "... kod Bolcmanove
konstante!"
(sad se pripoveda)
--------------------------------------------------------------02972---
Sta kaze kurton kada se uvece pogleda u ogledalo ???
Koji cu kurac sutra da obucem
----------------------------------------------
Zasto spermatozoid ima rep ???
da se lakse izvuce izmedju zuba.
--------------------------------------------------------------03314---
Dali znate kako predsednik J.D. skida higijensku
gumicu nakon snosaja?
Pa, prdne!
--------------------------------------------------------------03336---
Mislim dakle postojim! rece bosanac i nestade.
--------------------------------------------------------------03346---
Nekoliko razmisljanja o zenama:
* Nice (Zaratustra) : "Kad podjes kod zene, ponesi bic!"
* Markiz de Sad : "Srecnim se smatra onaj muskarac
koji uspe da se odrekne odnosa sa
tim niskim, lukavim i prevrtljivim,_ stetnim rodom."
* Oto Vajninger : "Zena nije ni dubokoumna, ni visokoumna,
ni ostroumna ni pravoumna; ona je
stavise suprotno svemu tome."
* Sopenhauer : "Zene su slabo razvijena, uskopleca
i kratkonoga bica, rod sirokih kukova,
koji je mogao nazvati lepim samo onaj,
polnim nagonom pomucen intelekt
covekov."
--------------------------------------------------------------03349---
Rano ujutru, oko 10 sati, krenuli Crnogorci u lov na puzeve.
Vracaju se oni kasno posle podne bez ijednog ulovljenog. Pita zena
jednog:
"Coece, gde su vam puzevi?"
"Muci, zenetino, to divlje, bezi!
--------------------------------------------------------------03359---
BASNA:
Vidi gusenica sladak list, pa krene da ga gricka. Sve to gleda ptica
i razmislja:
"Da sacekam da gusenica pojede list, pa cu ja nju. Bice sladja!"
Sve to gleda macka i misli:
"Sacekacu da gusenica pojede list i ptica gusenicu, pa cu slatko da
smazem pticicu"
Pojela gusenica list, pojela ptica gusenicu, skoci macka na pticu i
promasi je, i padne u baru!
Koje je navorucenije?
STO JE PREDIGRA DUZA, TO JE MACA VLAZNIJA!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------03360---
Leze dva Crnogorca pod drvetom. Vreo dan sporo odmice i senka se
pomera i izgubise hladovinu.
"Ajd coce da se pomerimo" kaze jedan.
Prodje neko vreme dok se polako pomerise i zauzese hladovinu. Kaze
drugi:
"Sta ti je coek, ko tica. Cas je tu, cas tamo"
--------------------------------------------------------------03361---
Dolazi engleski lord u zamak i pita slugu:
'' Dzone, gde je gospodja? ''
'' Sa gospodinom Henrijem u budoaru '' odgovara sluga.
Lord se zapanji i naredi:
'' Dzone, moju sablju! '', uzme sablju i udje u budoar. Posle
izvesnog vremena izadje i kaze:
'' Dzone, vadicep za gospodju i flaster za gospodina! ''
=================
Isla dva drugara u sumu, nalete na zmiju i jednog od njih
zmija ujede za k.... Onaj drugi brzo trk u ambulantu, tamo
nadje jednu mladu lekarku, bude mu malo neprijatno pa pocne
da objasnjava:
'' Tako i tako, mog prijatelja ujela zmija za ... prst. Eno
ga lezi u sumi. Sta da radimo? ''_
'' Jesu li vam zdravi zubi? '', pita lekarka.
'' Jesu ''.
'' Onda pazljivo isisajte otrov iz njegove rane, ispljunite ga
i donesite prijatelja ovde da mu damo serum ''.
Covek ode do prijatelja, ovaj se vec sasvim ukocio, i jedva
procedi:
'' Ssssttttaaa kazzzze dddoktor.... ''
'' Kaze da umres, pederu! ''
=========================================
Ko je kriv za pozar u Peckoj patrijarsiji?
Palji Drva
--------------------------------------------------------------03510---
Stopiraju Mujo i Haso. Zaustave se dve devojke, povezu
ih, usput se zaustave u sumi i predloze im seks. Da bi se zastitile
od trudnoce insistirale su da Mujo i Haso stave prezervative. I bi
seks.
Nekoliko meseci kasnije rade Mujo i Haso u polju.
Upeklo sunce, posao tezak, muve dosadjuju, ponervozio Mujo pa ce
Hasi: -bolan Haso, ja cu onaj balon skinut pa nek ona zatrudni!
--------------------------------------------------------------03516---
Trazila uciteljica od dece da sastave pesmicu. Perica odmah
digne ruku i kaze:
Sedi Mara usred cicka
Vidi joj se cela picka.
- Fuj, kaze uciteljica, ne smes u pesmu da stavljas tako ruzne
reci. Ajde da si bar stavio p... pa bi svi znali o cemu se
radi ali ovako...
Sutradan na isto pitanje opet se javlja Perica sa pesmom:
Hladan vetar poljem piri
A Perici kurac v...
------
Isto kao prethodni, uciteljica trazila pesmu, Perica izdeklemovao:
Sedi Mara usred cicka
Vidi joj se cela picka
uciteljica ga izgrdila i on se opet javlja:
Video sam gnjurca
Voda mu do kolena
- Lepo, kaze uciteljica, nema bezobraznih reci ali nema ni rime...
- Bice rima kada dodje plima, odgovara trijumfalno Perica
------_
Milicioner baca cigle u vodu i vice
- Gle cuda! Gle cuda!
- Sta je, u cemu je cudo?
- Ja bacam cigle, a ispadaju krugovi!
------
Nasli se Englez, Francuz i Bosanac na pustom ostrvu. Samovali
oni tamo, samovali ali im se najzad posreci da ulove zlatnu
ribicu koja im obeca da ce svakome ispuniti po zelju.
Kaze prvo Englez:
- Zeleo bih da se nadjem u Hajd parku. Odjednom nestane.
Onda kaze Francuz:
- Zeleo bih da se nadjem na Monmartru. Nestane i on.
Okrece se Bosanac okolo i pocne da kuka:
- Sta cu ja ovde sam... Zeleo bi da mi se vrate moji jarani.
Oni se pojave.
------
Uhvatili ljudozderi Engleza, Francuza i Srbina i spremili se
da ih pojedu ali obecaju da ce svakome ispuniti po jednu zelju.
Prvo kaze Englez:
- Zeleo bih da se dobro najedem.
Daju oni njemu da se najede, onda ga zakolju, oderu, meso ispeku
i pojedu, koske daju psima a od koze naprave bubanj.
Odna kaze Francuz:
- Zeleo bih da se pre smrti provedem sa najlepsom devojkom ovde.
Stave oni poglavicinu cerku sa njim u sator, on uradi sta je imao
a ljudozderi ga potom zakolju, oderu, meso ispeku i pojedu, koske
daju psima a od koze naprave bubanj.
Najzad kaze Srbin
- Hocu da mi date viljusku.
Rastrce se oni, nekako nadju viljusku, daju mu a on pocne da se
iz sve snage ubada u stomak i da vice
- Evo vam sto cete da napravite bubanj!
--------------------------------------------------------------03548---
Najtuzniji vic:
Umrli Mujo i Haso
--------------------------------------------------------------03564---
ZASTO JE KOKA-KOLA BOLJA OD MUSKARCA
1. Svaka boca Koka-Kole je uvek pod dobrim pritiskom.
2. Kako god da je promuckas napravice se pena.
3. Koka-Kola prija i ujutru i uvece i pre i posle jela.
4. Mozes je mesati sa drugim picem a da zbog toga ne nastradas.
5. Ukus KK je isti i u razlicitim pakovanjima.
6. Koliko god da je pijes ona se ne umori.
7. KK ne moze da se pokvari.
8. Koka Kolu mozes konzumirati cim je kupis i ona nece pomisliti
da si laka zenska.
9. KK ce strpljivo cekati da je popijes kada ti to budes htela.
10. Samo od tebe zavisi da li ces je popiti sama ili ces je
podeliti s nekim.
11. Sa Koka-Kolom ti ne moze biti dosadno.
12. KK ne moze da bude nervozna, umorna ili neraspolozena.
13. Od Koka-Kole ne mozes ostati u drugom stanju.
14. Ako je na prvom programu utakmica ili dnevnik ti mozes mirno
gledati film na drugom zajedno sa svojom Koka-Kolom.
15. KK ti nece zameriti ako kupis neku skupu haljinu.
16. Kad ides u goste mozes poneti svoju KK a i ne moras.
17. Niko ti ne broji koliko si Koka-Kola popila u zivotu.
18. Koka-Koli je svejedno da li ti je prvo pice i uvek je
najbolja.
19. Bez Koka-Kole se moze.
--------------------------------------------------------------03593---
Razgovaraju deca o tome kako da ukrase skolu za Novu
godinu. Neko predlaze cvetice, neko postere i na kraju Perica
kaze:
- Ja bih po sred ucionice opicio jednu crtu
- Sram te bilo, Perice, kako se to izrazavas, kaze
uciteljica, mars kod direktora!
Vraca se Perica posle izvesnog vremena i uciteljica pita
- Sta ti je direktor rekao?
- Pitao me je "A koji ce ti kurac ta crta", kaze Perica.
----------------
Pitala uciteljica decu da kazu sta je to apsolutno tacno a
savrseno neverovatno. Javi se Perica i kaze da je "apsolutno
tacno da je kurac tvrd a savrseno neverovatno da nema kosku".
Uciteljica, naravno, izbaci Pericu napolje.
Sledeceg dana na isto pitanje Perica kaze: "apsolutno je
tacno da je picka vlazna a savrseno neverovatno da ne zardja".
Uciteljica ga (opet) izbaci napolje.
Treceg dana uciteljica opet postavi isto pitanje ali nece
da pita Pericu. Perica se, medjutim, javljao i javljao pa mu
uciteljica pruzi poslednju sansu. Perica kaze "apsolutno je
tacno da je Zemlja okrugla". "Dobro je Perice", kaze
uciteljica, "a sta je savrseno neverovatno?"
"Da se ljudi jebu na svakom cosku", kaze Perica.
_ ----------------
Objasnjavala zagrebacka uciteljica deci nacije i pita
Stefa:
- Kaj si ti, Stef?
- A Srbin, kaj bi bil?
- Ne, Stef, ono sto su ti otac i majka, to si i ti. Kaj je
tebi otac?
- Hrvat.
- A majka?
- Hrvatica!
- A kaj si ti?
- A Srbin, ne!
- Dovedi sutra oca.
Dodje sutra otac i uciteljica kaze da Stef nije nacionalno
opredeljen.
- Kak nije, pita otac.
- Evo: Stef, kaj je tebi otac?
- Hrvat.
- A majka?
- Hrvatica.
- A kaj si ti?
- Hrvat.
- A za kaj si jucer rekal da si Srbin?
- Ah, jucer, jucer sam se tak bedasto osecal!
--------------------------------------------------------------03596---
1 nacionalni:
- Sta dobijes kada Crnogorca ispeces u rerni?
- Lenju pitu.
- Sta dobijes kad nekog drugog ispeces u rerni?
- Nista. Od govana se ne prave kolaci!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
1 verski:
(iz vojske, istinit, malo "friziran")
Kao sto je poznato u armiji (JNA) se svi lepo slazu bez
obzira na nacionalnu i versku pripadnost. Cesto se desavalo da
jedan totalni ateista (nije verovao ni bogu ni ljudima) sedi za
istim stolom sa nekim muslimanom. Na pitanje ima li u nekom jelu
svinjetine ateista je uvek odgovarao na pitanje da li je gladan.
----------------------------------------------------------------
1 rasni: (iz zivota Juznoafrikanaca)
- Zasto crnci imaju kovrdzavu kosu?
- Kada crnac krene u disko vratar mu kaze: "ti ne mozes". Onda
crnac pita "a stooooooo" i vrti prstom po kosi.
- Zasto crnkinje imaju dugacke sise?
- Njima vratar kaze "ti mozes" i povuce ih unutra.
- Zasto crnci imaju dugacak kurac?
- Crnkinja onda povuce pratioca za sobom i pita "a zasto on ne_ moze?".
- Zasto crnci imaju pljosnate noseve?
- Vratar odgovara "eto zato!" i udara crnca po nosu.
--------------------------------------------------------------03601---
Kaletov dodatak za kokakolu protiv muskarca:
1. CC se ne buni kad je drzis na ledu.
2. Ako otvoris CC i ne popijes je, ona se ne zali na
bolove.
3. Svaku CC mozes piti 5 minuta ili sat. Koliko ima takvih
muskaraca?
4. Kad popijes jednu CC ostale ne idu na spavanje.
5. CC nikad nema naporan dan i nikad nije umorna.
--------------------------------------------------------------03753---
Ovaj vic je svojevremeno pricao Regan:
Drzi Kastro govor na nekom stadionu:
- Ameri me optuzuju da intervenisem u Nikaragvi...
- Kikiriki! Kokice! - dere se neki prodavac.
- ... da intervenisem u Angoli...
- Kikiriki! Kokice!
- ... da izvozim revoluciju...
- Kikiriki! Kokice!
- Ko je taj sto vice "Kikiriki, kokice"? Kada ga sutnem, ima da
odleti do Majamija!
Ustaje ceo stadion: Kikiriki !!! Kokice !!! Kikiriki !!!
--------------------------------------------------------------03763---
Evo tuzne vesti: zbog piva me ostavila zenska.
------------------------------------------- 4---
Kako se na Engleskom kaze "kako da ne"
Sta znaci "Who washes him two"?
------------------------------------------- 9---
Kako da ne = how yes no
Who washes him two = ko umije njemu dvije
------------------------------------------- 10---
---------------------------------------------------
Evo jos malo Hrvatskog novogovora (lijevo srpski, desno
hrvatski):
policajac = redar
opasnost = pogibelj
potvrdan = jestan
posilni = sluzak
presuda = odsuda
sustina = sucina ili sucnost
zandarm = oruznik
centrala = sredisnjica
obrtni kapital = prometna glavnica
gimnasticiranje = gombanje
jelovnik = jestvenik
Evropa = Europa
kapetan = satnik
komisija = povjerenstvo
lopov = tat
mikroskop = sitnozor
kasarna = vojarna_ regrut = novak
------------------------------------------- 3065---
JNA sledi opste tokove pozitivnih drustvenih promena!
Dozvolice vojnicima da nose bradu.
------------------------------------------- 3066---
Razgovor dvojice Argentinaca:
- Jesi li vidio do kakve svade je doslo izmedu talijanskog
sjevera i juga?
- Da, to je zato sto smo ih pobijedili.
- Znas li da je republika Slovenija odlucila da ce se
otcijepiti od Jugoslavije?
- I to je poslijedica toga sto smo pobijedili Jugoslaviju.
- S druge strane se Njemacka ponovno udruzuje.
- Logicno, da bi proslavili pobjedu nad nama.
- Uzbudljivo je znati da je cijeli svijet ovisan o nama....
------------------------------------------- 3067---
Ljeto 1990, negdje oko Knina. Barikadama prilazi automobil
Njemacke registarcije.
- Vidi, Svaba!!
- Stoj! Stoj, u ime naroda!
- Jesi li ti za HDZ ili za nas?
- WAS??
- Lazes, bre fasistu!! Skini ga Svetislave!!
------------------------------------------- 3068---
Pitaju Stipu Suvara nakon smjenjivanja:
- Stipe, sta ces sad?
- Idem u privatnike.
- A sta otvaras?
- Gimnaziju.
------------------------------------------- 3069---
Dosao klinja kod mame i place
-Maaamaaa meni se piiiskiii
-Ne placi sine, sad ce mama da te odvede da piskis
-Neeecuuu ti da me vooodiiis
-Dobro, onda ce tata da te vodi
-Neeeecuuu, ocu da me vodi baaakaaa
-A zasto bas baka
-Njoj se tresu ruuukeee
------------------------------------------- 3106---
Dobri vicevi (C) 1990. by S.Svitlica & S.Dobric
Ciklus: Momci u plavom
Dodje policajac kuci i sa vrata zove zenu i pokazuje joj
govno na ispruzenom dlanu i hvali se:
- Vidi zeno u sta bi umalo ugazio da nisam bio pazljiv!
_* * *
Plese policajac u disku (hard disku) sa zgodnom zenskom.
- Ala je ovdje akusticno !, kaze cura
- Aha, i meni se klize! , odgovara policajac
* * *
PITANJE: Zasto policajci idu dvojica po dvojica?
ODGOVOR: Jedan za citanje cirilice, a drugi latinice.
* * *
Prolaze dvojica policajaca sa psom ulicom i dvojica im
dobace:
- Vidi psa sa dva supka
Drugovi policajci su psa odmah odveli veterinaru.
* * *
Malisa sa mamom ceka tramvaj koga nema ni za lijek.
- Mama, kad ce doci tramvaj? pita malisa kome je dosadno.
- Sad ce sine, strpi se malo. umiruje ga mama.
- Maaaaamaaaaa, kad ce tramvaj?, dere se mali.
- Sine sad ce on, smiruje ga mama.
- Ali maaamaaa, kad ce traaamvaaaj!?, urlice mali.
- Pazi sine. Cike iz gradskog prevoza sada farbaju tramvaj i
cim zavrse sa farbanjem, eto tramvaja. - mama smiruje
malisu.
Uto se iz pozadine zacuje ljutiti glas policajca
- Picka li im materina, sad su nasli da ga farbaju!!!!
* * *
Kako policajac otvara konzervu?
- U ime zakona, OTVORI !!!!
* * *
Kako policajac provjerava da li u kutiji ima sibica?
Podigne kutiju u visinu uha i mrda glavom.
* * *
Kako policajci zavrcu sijalicu?
Jedan se popne na stolicu i uhvati sijalicu, a drugi okrece
stolicu.
* * *
Kako se zove policajac koji ima pendrek?
_VUCIBATINA
* * *
Kako se zove policajac koji ima toki-voki?
TUZIBABA
* * *
Mlati policajac ekstremistu na demonstracijama na Kosovu.
- Nemoj vise, molim te, ja voljim srbe ko bracu!!!
- Kaj si rekel ???!!!
* * *
Policajac je zaustavio staricu koja je ukoso prelazila
ulicu, i drzi joj pridiku.
- Baba, ti si opasnost za promet. Znas li ti da se ulica
prelazi pod pravim uglom od 100 stepeni?
- Sinko, ja sam ucila da pravi ugao ima 90 stepeni, odgovara
baba.
- Ah da, ono voda kljuca na 100 stepeni, pametno ce
policajac.
* * *
Zasto policajac vodi ljubav sa curom na balkonu?
Zato jer ga je zamolila da svrsi vani.
* * *
Ciklus: Ljubav
Baba umrla od sexa. - Sjebala se niz stepenice
* * *
Ciklus: Topli momci
Vode dvojica momaka ljubav na mostu. Prilazi im policajac i
potapse gornjeg momka po ramenu.
- Ej, sta to radite., uzbudjeno ce policajac
- Vidis da mu dajem vjestacko disanje, odvrati mu momak.
- Ali, nas su u policijskoj akademiji (6. dio) ucili da se
to radi usta na usta. upitno ce policajac.
- Eh, da. Tako je sve i pocelo. pozudno ce momak
* * *
Sin je napunio 17 godina i otac i majka su mu prvi put
dopustili da izadje u grad sam. Majka ga je fino obukla i
ocesljala, a otac mu dao 100 dinara i izlaz do 21.00 sat.
21.00: Otac i majka cekaju. Sin ne dolazi.
22.00: Otac i majka nervozni cekaju: Sin ne dolazi.
23.00: Otac ceka. (majka se onesvjestila). Sin ne dolazi.
24.00: Otac ceka. Sin lagano otkljucava vrata i ulazi na
vrhovima prstiju.
- Pa gdje si do sada mangupe, zagrmi otac, izigrao si nase
povjerenje !!!
- Ali tata ostao sam duze jer sam imao razlog. Znas od
veceras sam pravi muskarac.
Na te rijeci, otac se silno obradova i rece:
- To je moj sin! Tatina muskarcina! Sine, od sada ces
izlaziti svaki dan! Sjedi da popricamo kao dva muskarca!
- Ne mogu, boli me guza!, odvrati sin.
* * *
Razgovaraju tri grobara ko je imao najtezi posao u karijeri.
Prvi grobar rece:
- Upao covjek u masinu za mljevenje mesa. Tri dana sam ga
skupljao kasicicom u kovceg.
Drugi grobar rece:
- Presao valjak preko covjeka. Pet dana sam ga strugao
spahtlom sa asfalta.
Treci grobar rece:
- Ja sam imao daleko najtezi posao. Skakao peder sa
padobranom koji se nije otvorio i tako se nasadio na
banderu. Bilo je to prije tri godine. Ni do danas mu nisam
uspio skinuti osmjeh s lica.
* * *
Prilazi policajac dvojici momaka koji vode ljubav na mostu
iznad Dunava.
- Sta to radis? Sta ti mislis gdje si? upita policajac onog
gornjeg
- Ja sam trenutno na Savi. Odgovori gornji momak.
- Pa ovo je Dunav glupane! odvrati policajac
- Savo, kazi covjeku kako ti je ime. rece gornji momak_donjem
momku.
* * *
- Je li Mujo, da li bi ti radije povalio Brenu jedamput ili
Hasu dvaput? pita Muju Suljo.
- Pa znas Suljo, vajka se Mujo, - Brena je Brena, ali ...
dvaput je ipak dvaput.
* * *
Sta radi gola slovenka izmedju dva gola bosanca?
SMETA
* * *
Prolazi Central parkom (New York, SAD) peder i ugleda
zgodnog klosara kako spava na klupi. Buduci da mu se dopao,
on se okoristio njegovim seksulnim abilitetima (korijen rijeci
je ABILITY = mogucnost, sposobnost) i ostavio mu 5 USD u dzepu.
Ujutro kad se klosar probudio nasao je petaka u dzepu i
otisao kod Joa u bar i narucio pivo.
Sljedece vece peder je opet tuda naisao i uradio isto.
Dakako, klosar je opet narucio pivo i tako je to islo
danima.
Jedno jutro klosar je usao kod Joe-a u bar i tamo ga je vec
cekalo pivo.
- Nemoj mi davati pivo, Joe, - rece klosar - daj nesto
drugo, od piva me u zadnje vrijeme boli dupe.
------------------------------------------- 3134---
Where are you, ill ? --- Dje si, bolan ?
------------------------------------------- 3135---
Vidi covek Crnogorca kako hvata puza.
- Sta to radite?
- A evo, jurim ovu rdu od Kotora do Kumbora!
Covek se sagne, uzme puza i stavi ga Crnogorcu u ruku.
- E pa lako ti je sad kad sam ga ja izmorio!
------------------------------------------- 3145---
Ko osim nesvrstanih, pa i tri cetvrtine veka duze od njih pomaze male, podrzava
slabe, a obuzdava velike?
ODGOVOR: B R U S H A L T E R (grudnjak)
(Odgovor spusten napetosti radi)
------------------------------------------- 3197---
Iz jednog od predhodnih viceva:
>PITANJE: Zasto policajci idu dvojica po dvojica?
>ODGOVOR: Jedan cita cirilicu a drugi latinicu?
nastavak ...
PITANJE: Zasto su se pre mesec dana na ulici pojavila trojica?
ODGOVOR: Jedan cita i latinicu i cirilicu a druga dva cuvaju genija.
Donele vlasti odluku da i zivotinje moraju u vojsku, pa se
sastali lisica, zec i medo kao dobri stari drugari da razmisle sta ce
i kako ce. Kaze lisica ja cu da odsecem rep, pa me valjda nece primiti.
Zec rece, je cu usi, pa valjda nece ni mene. Medved neznade sta ce pa
odsece K***C.
Dodje vreme regrutacije, pa lisica, zec i medo stadose u red
pred komisiju. Predsednik komisije pregleda regrute i govori:
-Lisica nema rep, ne moze u vojsku,
-zec nema usi, ne moze u vojsku,
-medo ima ravne tabane, ne moze u vojsku ...
Oboleli Gorbacov i Bus od raka i posto nijedan lekar nije
uspeo da ih izleci oni naredise da ih zamrzu, pa kada se u buducnosti
pronadje lek, onda ce ih odmrznuti i izleciti. Tako i bi. Tamo neke
2xxx-te godine, odmrznuli njih dvojicu, izvrsili operaciju i sad se
uspesno oporavljaju. Naravno obojicu zanima kakvo je sad stanje u svetu
pa su uzeli novine da procitaju. Samo sto je poceo da cita novine
Gorbacov poce iz sveg glasa da se smeje. Pita ga Bus, "Sta ti je tako
smesno?". Na to ce Gorbacov "Evo pise da komunisticka vlast u SAD-u
sprovodi nacionalizaciju". Ne bi Busu pravo ali nastavi da cita novine,
i malo zatim poce on da se smeje. Pita ga Gorbacov: "A sta je tebi
smesno?". "Evo, pise da su izbili neredi na KINESKO-FINSKOJ granici"
rece Bus.
Iz TUP-TUP-a (Minimax)
Stavio deda unuka na krilo a unuk mu kaze:
"Deda, nemoj da si peder"
_ -Znate li kada je crncu 25 cm ?
-Kada ga presavije na pola.
Ovo je istinit dogadjaj iz vojske:
Stoji vojnik na pisti i prilazi mu drugi, ocito sa namerom da
se upoznaju jer je upravo stigao u kasarnu. Ne zna sta da kaze pa
krene isprobanim putem:
-"Jel pusis?"
Ovaj drugi ga odmeri od glave do pete i rece:
-"Pa, kako kome"
Razgovaraju Englez, Francuz i Bosanac o tome kako koji od
uzbudjuje zenu.
Prvi prica Englez. Pa kaze: "Ja pozovem damu na veceru, sve
uredno serviram, namestim. Kada dodje, ponasam se kao pravi dzentlmen,
zbog cega se ona strasno uzbudi vec posle 2-3 sata."
"Ja to radim drugacije", kaze Francuz. "Ja ponesem buket crvenih
ruza i uz bocu najboljeg vina joj pricam slatke price i ona se uzbudi
posle pola sata."
Dodje red na Bosanca pa on rece: "Ja, bolan, Fati odma' skinem
gace i zavrsim pos'o".
"Pa kad je onda uzbudis?", pitaju druga dvojica.
"Kad ga obrisem o zavesu, eto kad".
Zasto crnogorac ustaje pola sata ranije od svog komsije Srbina,
iako idu u isto vreme na posao?
Da premesti ordenje s pidzame na odelo.
U avionu sede gavran i bosanac jedan pored drugog. U neko doba,
prolazi stjuardesa, a bosanac joj kaze:
-Devojcice, donesi vamo dva soka za mene i za gavrana.
Stjuardesa se samo okrenu na drugu stranu i ode. No, posle
izvesnog vremena opet prolazi pored njih, i sad gavran kaze bosancu:
-Gledaj sad, ...
-Ej, picko, donesi dva soka.
Stjuardesa se naljuti i ode. Ali, kada je treci put prolazila
resi bosanac da i on ispadne muskarcina pa dreknu.
-Kurvo, donosi vamo ta dva soka, majku li ti tvoju!!!
Stjuardesa ode kod kapetana i pozali se, zbog cega kapetan i
gavrana i bosanca izbaci napolje. Dok su padali, pita gavran bosanca:
-Je li, jel umes da letis?
-Ne umem, rece bosanac.
-Pa sto se kurcis onda.
------------------------------------------- 3283---
Zasto sijamski blizanci idu u London?
Da bi i onaj drugi malo vozio.
------------------------------------------- 3326---
From: fmgst@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Filip Gieszczykiewicz)
Greetings.
Q: How do you double the value and weight of a Yugo?
A: You fill the gas tank!
_++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: trebor@biar.UUCP (Robert J Woodhead)
"You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and
on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is "We aren't
in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and
short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer
through another long answering machine message when you call me..."
(and an oldy...)
"Thankyou for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our customer
service representatives are, er.., busy servicing customers, so at the
sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description
of whatever turns you on..."
--+++++++++++++++++++++
From: ean@gvlv3.gvl.unisys.com (Ed Naratil)
Dear Mr. _________________,
This letter is being sent to you, for we know that you are critically
interested in your front yard.
This is a FERTILIZER CLUB and it will not cost a cent to you.
Upon receipt of this letter, go to the first address (#1) on the list
and shit on the lawn. You will not be the only one there, so don't be
embarrassed.
Then delete the first name and address, move the others up one, and
add your name to the bottom of the list. Then make five (5) copies
of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate
a good lawn.
Your reward will come next summer when you will have the greatest lawn
in your neighborhood.
#1 Mrs. Harry Butt #2 Mr. Smelly B. Hind
236 Corn Cob Alley 2 Diarrhea Way
Pottstown, PA Chambersburg, PA
#3 Mrs. Lucy Bowels #4 Mr. O. Howie Farts
29 Bed Pan Court 272 Fertilizer Parkway
Pottsville, PA Bath, PA
#5 Mrs. Orval Crap #6 Mr. Z. Bigger Movement
1422 Enema Drive U-2 Rectum Road
Potts Grove, PA Pottsboro, TX
#7 Mrs. Chas. Syringe #8 Mr. Took A. Leak
2 Suppositor Lane 742 Running Loose Lane
Whistle Britches, PA Potterville, MI
If you are constipated, please pass this along to your neighbor.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire
lawn. Don't let this happen to you. This letter is sent by a friend
who DOES GIVE A SHIT!
+++++++++++++++++++++++_From: sarwate@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu
Subject: Funny lawyer joke
A lawyer suspected his wife of cheating on him, so one day at the office, he
decided to call home to find out. The maid answered his call.
"Are you the new maid my wife hired?" he asked
The maid responded in the affirmative.
"Good. I want you to go and see what my wife is doing."
The maid goes, comes back to the phone, and says that his wife
is playing hide-the-salami in the bedroom with the chauffeur.
"Damn. I knew it. Okay, listen carefully. I want you to take the
gun the top drawer of my desk, and shoot my wife and that scum-sucking
chauffeur. I'm one of the best criminal lawyers in the country, and I'll
be able to clear you of all charges, plus I'll pay you $25,000."
The maid says ok, goes off, and in the distance, the lawyer hears
two shots go off. The maid returns to the phone, saying the deed has been done.
"Excellent. Now, go and dump the bodies in the swimming pool."
"What swimming pool?"
"Isn't this 685-4728?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: shrum@eos.UUCP (Richard Barry Shrum)
Subject: not a leg...
Q: What does a man do on 2 legs, a dog on 3, and a woman sitting
down?
(give up?)
A: Shake hands
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: cpdcoop4@mozart.amd.com (Cathy Svoboda-Takac)
Subject: flea joke
There's this flea, soaking up the rays on the beach in
Florida. Along comes his friend, dissheveled and all
messed up looking.
Says Flea#1: "What the hell happened to you?!"
Flea #2: "Got a ride down here in this biker's moustache.
Must've been tearing down that highway at 90 miles per!!"
Flea #1: "Well, don't worry. I'll tell you how to get down
here for next time. It'll be the easiest ride you ever had."
Next year. Same beach, same fleas:
Flea #1--laying on the beach, Flea #2 approaches with same
appearance as had last time:
"Hey, dude! I thought you were going to travel the way I
told you last year!"
Flea #2: "I tried! I tried! I did just like you told me:
Went into the women's restroom, jumped up on the toilet seat,
waited for somebody to sit down, nestled into her pussy hair
and was all set for the ride here. Next thing I know, there
I am in a biker's moustache, tearing down the highway at 90
miles per!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++_From: krol@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Ed Krol)
Subject: 2 Golf Jokes
A couple had been married 50 years when they died together in an
auto accident and they played golf together every day of their married
life. When they got to heaven St. Peter was showing them around. Here
is your condo on the course, outside is a golf cart at your disposal
with a wet bar and cd player. In back are custom made clubs with
a supply of balls and tees. If you lose them new ones will appear.
You can play our courses day or night as much as you desire....
After the whole spiel the husband turns to the wife and says "I could
have been here 20 years ago if you hadn't been forcing those damned
oat bran muffins on me".
The follower of a TV evangelist who claimed to speak regularly with
god asked the minister if there was golf in heaven. The evangelist
did not know but said next time they conversed he would inquire. A
while later the evangelist came to his follower and said "I have good
news and bad news. The good news is there is golf in heaven, the bad
news is your tee time is next Wednesday."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: ean@gvlv3.gvl.unisys.com (Ed Naratil)
Subject: The Boss
When the body was first made - all parts wanted to be boss.
The Brain said: Since I control everything and do all the
thinking, I should be Boss.
The Feet said: Since I carry man where he wants to go and
get him in position to do what the Brain wants, I should be Boss.
The Hands said: Since I must do all the work and earn all
the money to keep the rest of you going, I
should be Boss.
The Eyes said: Since I must look out for all of you and tell
you where danger lurks, I should be Boss.
And so it went with the Heart and the Lungs. Finally the Asshole
spoke up and demanded to be Boss. All of the other parts laughed
at the idea of an Asshole being Boss.
The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused
to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and
ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at
the sides, and the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the Brain to let the Asshole be Boss and so it
happened. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole
just Bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
_THE MORAL: You don't have to be a Brain to be Boss,
just an ASSHOLE!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: mh@zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu (Michael Husman)
Subject: Fill in the punchline answers
>1. Why do they boil water when delivering a baby?
So that if it is born dead they can make soup.
>2. What's the difference between a girl's track team and some smart pygmies?
One is a bunch of cunning runts...(you can figure out the rest.)
>3. What's the difference between Jimmy Swaggart and a pickpocket?
One snatches watches...(same idea as #2).
>4. How is the military like a rubber?
They both give you the feeling of protection while you're getting
fucked.
>5. Why did the <stupid ethnic> stop breast feeding her baby?
It hurt too much when she boiled her nipples.
Alternate: After two feedings she ran out of breasts.
>6. What is Mozart (or Beethoven or Brahms) doing now?
Decomposing.
>7. What is red and green and goes 500 mile per hour?
A frog in a blender.
>8. What do a <stupid ethnic> girl and a hockey player have in common?
They both wear their pads for three periods.
>9. How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies (Nazis)
>10. What goes in dry,pink and hard, and comes out wet, pink and soft?
Bubble Gum.
>11. What's long, hard and has semen in it?
No, a submarine.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: mokry@ctr.columbia.edu (Robert Mokry)
Subject: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
The coworkers of a man decide to play a joke on him. When he arrives
in the morning, one of his friends says to him, "Are you OK? You look
terrible." After several people tell him the same thing throughout
the day, he gets worried, and even though he feels perfectly fine, he
goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, I feel good, but everyone tells me that I look terrible.
What's wrong with me?" the man asks.
The doctor opens one of his huge reference books and says, "Hmm, let's
see ... looks good, tastes terrible ... looks good, feels terrible ...
tastes good, looks terrible."
Finally the doctor says, "Well, the closest match to your
symptoms_that I can find is 'tastes good, looks terrible'."
"Yes, I guess that's close enough," the man agrees.
"Well," says the doctor, "then you're a pistachio
nut."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: ybarra@sunset.sedd.trw.com
Subject: Indian
A ranchy old Indian, just released from prison after a long stretch, went
straight to his favorite tavern to get shit-faced. He noticed a long-haired,
bearded, dirty biker sitting a few stools away. The Indian sat and stared
at the scruffy guy until the biker turned to him
and said, "Hey, redman, what the fuck are you staring at?"
The indian answered, "Twenty years ago I got put in the
slammer for fucking a buffalo. I thought you might be my son."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: 21329KAD@MSU.BITNET (Kim Dyer)
Subject: parachute joke
William F. Buckley, Donald Trump, The Pope an a hippy were all flyin
across the mountains in a small single engine plane. Suddenly the
pilot comes back and says "We've run out of fuel, we're going down,
and there are only four parachutes. This one is mine. Bye." He turns
and jumps out of the plane.
Donald Trump grabs one of the parachutes. "I'm the richest man in the
world ... I can't die like this. I'm taking one of the parachutes."
He turns and jumps out of the plane.
William F. Buckley grabs a parachute. "I'm the smartest man in the
world ... I can't die like this. I'm taking one of the parachutes."
He turns and jumps out of the plane.
The Pope looks at the hippy. "Listen Son," he says. "There's only
one parachute left, and I'm an old man. You have your life ahead of
you. Take the last parachute".
The hippy looks at the Pope. "Don't sweat it man. We're both saved.
The "smartest man in the world" just jumped with my
backpack."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: SMTP%jeannie@scri1.scri.fsu.edu ("Jeannie Williford")
Subject: Re: Insult war
That's a pretty dress you have on, what did you do with the rest of the
table cloth?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: johnk@piave.jpl.nasa.gov (John Kerenyi)
Subject: Re: Insult war
First of all, the one above is better phrased as "I could have been your
dad, but the dog beat me over the fence." Just a minor point,
but it_flows better.
Your mom's so big, they had to baptize her at Sea World.
Your mom's teeth are so yellow, her tongue has to wear sunglasses.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: ee5391aa@hydra.unm.edu (Duke McMullan n5gax)
Subject: Re: Insult war
Were you born stupid, or did you have to study? Anyone who thinks nature ab-
hors a vaccuum ought to take a look at you, you retarded planarian. Your brain
would sit on the edge of a razor blade like a BB on an eight-lane highway.
Look in the dictionary under "ugly," and there's a picture of you. You black-
water-drinking, wormcast-licking, festering, pestilential, pernicious, pi-
thecan parasite! May your food turn to camel dung in your mouth, may your
stools run surpassingly bloody for eighteen days, and may you thereafter
become the first victim of retroactive birth control. I excrete in your gen-
eral direction. I cast offal on the threshold of your house. I curse you
under cloud and under sky. Go hence to a swift and bitter death!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: tscott@plains.NoDak.edu (The Dwelf)
Subject: Offensive to the REALLY RELIGIOUS
Jesus Christ goes into this hotel, walks up to the hotel clerk, slaps
three iron nails on the desk and says, "Can you put me up
for the night?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: bls@u02.svl.cdc.com (Brian Scearce)
Subject: Another Prostitute joke
Another young man finds himself in the Big City (Corner Brook) and
starts looking for one of the world-renouned hookers he's heard so
much about. He finds one, and she asks him what he wants to do.
He's pretty inexperienced, so he asks her for a suggestion.
"Have you ever tried a 69?" she asks.
"No," he replies, "let's give that a go, then."
They enter a hotel room and assume the position. After a moment,
though, the young lady farts. The guy stops for a moment, then
resumes. A moment later, she farts again. He stops, looks at her,
then continues. She unfortunately lets off one more, and he stops
completely.
"Would it be possible for us to do somethin' else, lass?"
he asks.
"Sure," she says, embarrassed.
"Good," he answers, "because I don't know if I could stand another
sixty-six of those."
_
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: test@math13.math.umbc.edu
Subject: Joke
Here's another one along the line of nuns in a bathtub, the soap
wearing out, etc.
Q: What the difference between a nun in a church and
a nun in a bathtub?
A: The nun in the church has hope in her soul.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: erik@hpfcso.HP.COM (Erik Lode)
Subject: Kilt humor
A tourist wagon stops for a rest in Scotland, and a lady steps out to
walk around. She notices a Scotsman asleep under a tree and roams over
to where he is. She is curious about what Scotsmen wear underneath
their kilts, so she checks. He is wearing no underclothes. She feels
funny about looking under his kilt and leaving, so she takes off one
of the bluish ribbons from her hair and ties it around his penis. At
that point it's time to climb aboard the wagon again and drive
off.
Sometime later the Scotsman awakens. He notices that something
feels a bit odd under his kilt, so he checks and sees the ribbon.
Then he smiles and says "I don't know where you've been, laddie,
but I'm glad you won first prize."
Three Scotswomen are walking home at night (they are neighbors) and
find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is
under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would
like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt
and says "That's not my husband." The second woman looks under his
kilt and says "That's not my husband." The third woman looks under
his kilt and says "Why, he's not even from this village!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: JKC3@psuvm.psu.edu (Joe Cool)
Subject: the bear and the bunny joke
One day a bunny stopped in the woods to take a dump. While he was squatting
there a bear came up beside him and squatted and also started to take a dump.
After a few minutes of friendly conversation, the bear said,"Mr. bunny can I
ask you a personal question?" and the bunny said "sure Mr.bear" and the
bear asked," do You have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The
bunny replied, "Why, no Mr. Bear I don't."
With no hesitation, the bear quickly says "Great" and picks the bunny up
and wipes with him!
Ok, so it's an old joke, but I like it.
_
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
From: cate3.osbunorth@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: Lots of old puns
In brief,
Roy Rogers gets a new pair of boots, but a mountain lion eats the
boots. To get even, Roy chases (insert colorful description as needed) and
kills (after long fight - to be described in vivid detail) the lion, and
returns carrying the lion back to camp. When he returns, Dale Evans
exclaims, "Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat who chewed your
new shoes."
----------------------------------------------------
There was once an agricultural extension of a community college that
was into growing big fruit. Now we're really talking big fruit here:
they grew blueberries the size of oranges and strawberries the size of
grapefruits. Not only were they big, but they were also the sweetest,
juiciest, most luscious fruit you've ever tasted. Realizing the
commercial value of such fruit, before attempting large scale
cultivation, they decided to insure these fruit. But in order to get
something insured, you need to have it valued for insurance purposes.
What do academics know about insurance anyway? So they look in the
phone book, and call the first entry: the Acme Insurance Valuation
Service. These two guys show up and they are pretty shady looking
characters; they're not wearing lab coats, they're wearing
trenchcoats! The guys from Acme pick up the fruit and start walking
out with it. The scientists are surprised and incensed, and ask "Are
you going to value them here, or give us a receipt, or what?" The two
guys from Acme reply "We have come to seize your berries, not to
appraise them."
----------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was a kingdom
in which the king was fond of history and ancient things.
He would collect historical objects, dress in royal threads
from bygone eras, and generally try to live ancient traditions.
One day the king issued a royal proclamation, as kings are
wont to do now and then. Of course, he wrote the proclamation
in the language of 200 years ago, rich in antiquated spellings,
obsolete words, now-defunct verb forms, etc.
The general population, of course, could make neither head nor
tail of the proclamation. A vast legal muddle ensued. The
courts, called upon to untangle the mess, pronounced a ruling
that, henceforth, all royal proclamations must be written in
modern, currently accepted prose. In other words,
We can't have archaic and edict, too.
----------------------------------------------------
There was this guy named Joe Gordon. He was a miner who
worked down in southeast Ohio in the coal mines. One fine Monday
morning in the spring, Joe was shaving and listening to the radio
when the disk jockey said, "... and we hope you all remembered_that Daylight Savings time started over the weekend. Otherwise,
you're an hour late!"
"Oh no!" Joe thought to himself. "I'm going to be late for
work!!" So Joe hopped in his car and drove off to work.
Now, it just so happens that in the area where Joe lived,
the roads were very narrow, and little more than ruts in the
ground. It was impossible to pass anyone on these roads. There-
fore, you can understand how upset Joe got when he rounded a hill
and saw in front of him a little old lady driving 3 miles per hour!!
After about five minutes of this, Joe got really ticked. He was
thinking of someway to get rid of this lady, when he saw an emergency
telephone off to the side of the road. So what does he do? He hops
out of his car, runs over to the phone booth, and calls the cops,
who come and arrest the little old lady!! Do you know what the
charges were???
Simple: Contributing to the delinquency of a miner !!!
----------------------------------------------------
It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lilly pad, when all
of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the
fly, and started laughing histerically. Soon the other frog joined
in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs
burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so
much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure
(if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most
pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what
was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog.
The second frog exlained:
"Time's fun when your having flies"
----------------------------------------------------
There was once a very influential farmer in an obscure part of China.
He had a problem, for which he sought the counsel of the two wise men
in town. So he summons the two wise men, Hing, who is an scientist,
and Ming, who is a sorcerer, and requests that they find a cure for
his chickens who are losing their feathers and dying.
Hing decides to pay a visit to his mentor at the Agricultural
Extension of the local Community College, under whom he studied many
years ago. The mentor recommends the book "Everything You Always
Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask".
So Hing visits the library, borrows the book, and finds inside the
report of a study that finds that feeding the chickens with an
infusion of gum tree leaves is often a cure for chickens losing their
feathers.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Ming reads obscure writings of ancient
wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards. He also tries to
read the entrails of a fetal pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his
old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, he decides
that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
On the appointed day, at the appointed time, and at the appointed
place, the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer.
Ming reports "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion
of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees,_saying "Four out of five ornithologists recommend sugarless infusions
of gum tree leaves for their chickens who lose their feathers." The
influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town
are of a single mind.
He decides to carry out their advice, and it does not succeed. The
moral of this story is "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken
couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."
----------------------------------------------------
Note: The characters' speech should be spoken in a fake Asian accent.
The r's and l's should be merged into an intermediate sound.
When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and General Minh was in charge,
a popular artist came to him and asked to make a statue in his honor (at
government expense).
"Please, General Minh, you are the people's hero," he told him.
"Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze," replied the general.
So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was unveiled in a small
private ceremony, the general was furious. For the sculpture was made in
gold.
"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"
The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed with this show of
humility. But he still wanted to honor the general, so he made the next
sculpture in silver.
But again the general was furious.
"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"
This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze as asked. When
the sculpture was revealed to the general, he was overjoyed at the wonderful
bronze likeness. The artist then complimented the general on his deep
humility.
This notion confused him very much.
"But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?"
"Why? I'll tell you why," said the general.
"Because General Minh prefer bronze!"
----------------------------------------------------
After several years of happy marriage, a man was getting ready for his
anniversary. Their two children had been shipped off to the grandparents -
a very nice dinner for two had been ordered from the local caterer, and he
and his wife were preparing for a very quiet romantic evening at home. He
had already gotten his wife's anniversary present - a diamond brooch, but
decided that a further touch would be neccesary. His wife had a fondness for
gardening and flowers, her favorite being Anemones, and he thought he would
present her with such a plant to replace one that had been knocked over by
their younger child several days earlier. So, on his way home from work,
just before he picked up the warming tray from the Caterer and the bottle
of champagne from the liquor store (Dom Perignon, of course), he stopped at
the Florist to pick up a live Anemone. Alas, however, the florist had sold his
last one earlier in the afternoon and was not going to get in a new shipment
until Monday. Heartbroken though he was, the man was persuaded by the
florist to instead buy a Boston Fern, which were on sale that
week.
Arriving home, after carrying in the food and champagne, the man
presented his wife with the fern, and added that he had another suprise for
her. As he reached for the brooch, he mentioned about his first
choice of_plants, and was about to apologize, but his wife stilled
him.
"After all," she said, "with fronds like these, who needs Anemones."
------------------------------------------- 3462---
----------------------------------------------------
From: u9050566@wolfen.cc.uow.oz (Garreth Patrick MCADAM)
Subject: Re: Cosmetic Surgery.
OK. You asked for it
HOW TO PERFORM COSMETIC SURGERY USING NUCLEAR WARHEADS
Thesis by G McAdam
First of all you need a subject, we will call this
subject for want of a better name,The Victim.
STEP 1 Pre-Op
Anethesise the victim preferably with something modern like
the back of a NEW shovell. Secure the victim tightly and
place in the boot of the car. Drive approximately 25.3453
km from where the warhead is located(make sure this is a
straight distance or the results could be undesirable)
and dump the sucke..er..victim. Prepare for the operation
STEP 2 The operation
Board a helicopter and fly a further 100 km away from the
blast site. Don protective clothing and detonate the warhead
(you may need your parents permission to do this ). Then
fly back to where you left the victim.
STEP 3 Cosmetic Surgery
Notice the putty like texture of the victims skin? Good.
Now get the pliers and cake spatula to redesign the victims
face. Wasn't that easy. You can do that to his whole body.
Go on just yank his legs a little. Oops a bit too hard.
Oh well he always wanted to be 9 feet tall anyway.
STEP 4 Post-op
This is the most vital part of the operation. Do not hang
around waiting for the victims thanks. Get out of there
immediately. If you wait for the victim to wake up you
will find he is homicidally jealous of your skills as a surgeon
and your life will be worth spit. Goodbye for now
NEXT LESSON- How to remove parts of the anatomy using
food processors!!!
*************************************
From: cate3.osbunorth@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: A fun book review
----------------------------------------------------
Title: David Frost's Book of the World's Worst Decisions
Author: Frost, David & Michael Deakin
Publisher: Crown Publishers, Inc.
Date: 1983
David Frost is a well-known TV personality. Michael Deakin is programming_director for a television station founded by Frost in England. This book
is a collection of truly bad decisions from the fields of politics, sports,
business, science, show business, and everyday life.
Sam Phillips owned a small recording company in Memphis. In 1955 he sold
to RCA Records, for the sum of $35,000, the exclusive contract he had with
a young man named Elvis Presley, thereby forfeiting royalties on more than
a billion records.
In 1889 the editor of the San Francisco Examiner published one article by
Rudyard Kipling but declined to accept any more. "I'm sorry, Mr. Kipling,"
he said, "but you just don't know how to use the English
language."
In 1981 Dora Wilson looked out her window and saw some men loading her
neighbor's priceless Persian carpets into a van. "What are you doing?"
she called.
"We're taking them to be cleaned," the men replied. "Will you take mine
too?" she asked. They did, and she never saw the men or the
carpets again.
In 1910 Olav Olavson decided to raise some cash by selling his body to the
Karolinska Institute, for medical research after his death. The following
year he inherited a fortune and tried to buy himself back. The institute
refused to sell and went to court to verify their claim. They even won
damages, since Olav had had two teeth pulled without asking their
permission.
In 1938 Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel sold all rights to the comic-strip
character Superman to their publishers for $130, a tidy $65 each.
In 1977 a South African hang-gliding instructor spotted an interesting sight
and made an obscene gesture at a woman who was sunbathing on a rooftop below
his flight path. The woman's husband appeared with a submachine gun and
blasted the birdman out of the sky.
In 1898 young Albert Einstein applied for admission to the Munich Technical
Institute, but was turned down on the grounds that he "showed no promise"
as a student.
In 1880 a house master at Harrow wrote of one of his pupils, "He is forgetful,
careless, unpunctual, irregular in every way.... If he is unable to conquer
this slovenliness he will never make a success of public school." The boy
in question was Winston Churchill.
In 1940 the British Secret Service decided that microfilms must be made of
all personnel records, in case the originals were damaged by enemy action.
It was only when the originals were, in fact, destroyed by enemy action
that it was discovered that the photographer had cropped the top of every
negative so the name of the person to whom the file referred was
missing.
In 1862 the Union and Confederacy forces met at the Battle of Antietam.
The Union forces under General Burnside were ordered to cross the Potomac
River and join battle with the enemy. They marched across the bridge two
abreast, making an ideal target for Confederate gunners placed so as to command
the bridge. The slaughter was appalling. General Burnside had failed to
notice that the river was only waist deep and could have been crossed at
any other point in perfect safety.
In 1886 prospector Sors Hariezon decided to sell his South African gold claim
for $20. Over the next 90 years, mines sunk on or near his claim produced
over a million kilograms of gold a year, 70% of the gold supply
of the_Western world.
During the 1950's when the BBC's new broadcasting facilities were built,
the corridors were narrow and labyrinthine. The Music Department became
concerned about the difficulties they would face in transporting their grand
pianos from one studio to another, and decided on a series of trials to find
the easiest route. They asked the BBC carpenters to make a plywood mockup
of a full-size piano rather than risk one of their expensive instruments.
The model was duly constructed -- and found to be too large to pass through
the door of the carpentry shop.
----------------------------------------------------
*************************************
From: cate3.osbunorth@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: How to prove something
----------------------------------------------------
Survey of proof techniques
This survey was written by Dana Angluin. Not really sure where
it came from.
Proof by example:
The author gives only the case n=2 and suggests that it contains most
of the ideas of the general proof.
Proof by intimidation:
'Trivial.'
Proof by vigorous handwaving:
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
Proof by cumbersome notation:
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.
Proof by exhaustion:
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.
Proof by omission:
'The reader may easily supply the details.'
'The other 253 cases are analogous.'
'...'
Proof by obfuscation:
A long plotless sequence of true and\or meaningless syntactically related
statements.
Proof by wishful citation:
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem
from the literature to support his claims.
Proof by funding:
How could three different government agencies be wrong?
Proof by eminent authority:
'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.'
Proof by personal communication:_ 'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal
commmunication].
Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable,
we reduce it to the halting problem.'
Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately
circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.
Proof by importance:
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in
question.
Proof by accumulated evidence:
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.
Proof by cosmology:
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular
for proofs of the existence of God.
Proof by mutual reference:
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B,
which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an
easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.
Proof by metaproof:
A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the
method is proved by any of these techniques.
Proof by picture:
A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by
omission.
Proof by vehement assertion:
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.
Proof by ghost reference:
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference
given.
Proof by forward reference:
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often
not as forthcoming as at first.
Proof by semantic shift:
Some standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement
of the result.
Proof by appeal to intuition:
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
----------------------------------------------------
*************************************
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: Jokes in a religious setting
_----------------------------------------------------
There once was a preacher whose congregation was so large that he had
trouble remembering the names and faces of everyone in it. One fine
Sunday after the end of the service, he was greeting various members
of his congregation as they left the church. A woman came up to him and
said, "Good morning, Reverend, surely you remember me!"
Well, he didn't. But he made a valiant effort. "Why, you look like Helen
Brown."
The woman looked somewhat offended as she said, "Well, you don't look so
good in black, yourself!"
----------------------------------------------------
His first day on the job at a small rural town the new pastor
was surprised when only one person showed up for the ceremony.
Perplexed the pastor said,"Well young man...you'r the only one in
attendence,do you wish me to go on with the sermon ? "
after a silent moment the young cowboy replied " Weeeelll pastor
I don't know much about that religion stuff but i'll tell you this....
If i went out to pasture to slop the hog's and there was only one out
there i guarantee i'd feed e'm ." Upon this reply the pastor went forth
with his sermon,which lasted for an hour and a half!! When he finished
he asked the cowboy " Well son did you learn anything ? " Weeellll ",the
cowboy said " I didn't understand a lot of it but i'll tell you this.....
If i go out to pasture to slop the hog's and there is only one there
i sure wouldn't give him the whole load !! "
----------------------------------------------------
A man accidentally falls over a high cliff, and on
the way down he grabs onto the only branch within
reach or sight. In a few moments he summons enough strength
to move again, and he cries upward, "Help! Is there anyone
up there who can help me?"
A moment passes without event, and he again cries, "Help;
can anyone hear me? I need help!"
After another moment a booming voice answers, "THIS IS THE
VOICE OF GOD. BELIEVE IN ME. HAVE FAITH. SAY A PROPER PRAYER
AND LET GO OF THE BRANCH. YOU WILL FLOAT SLOWLY TO THE SAND,
UNHARMED. JUST LET GO."
Looking down at the jagged rocks and the pounding surf, the
man thinks for a second, and then calls up, "Is there anyone
ELSE up there?"
----------------------------------------------------
*************************************
From: garfield@triton.tamu.edu (Garfield Mahan)
Subject: Texas Brags jokes revisited
These are from "The Jokes on Texas" collected by John Randolph. My copy is
First Printing, First Edition, 1956.
===========================================================================
_Two thirsty cowboys came to a water hole. When the horses waded in
for a drink, they stirred up lots of mud. One cowboy threw himslef down
between the horses and began to drink. The other, moving to the far side,
asked the first one why he didn't come around and drink where
it was clear.
"Don't make no difference," drawled the first one when he came up
for a breath. "I aim to drink it all anyway."
Two newcomers driving through Texas got into an argument about which
was Texas' largest city. Spotting an old timer sitting on a fence rail, they
stopped and asked him to settle the question.
The old man looked up, then looked away and spat, looked back again
and in a slow Texas drawl replied, "Well, I reckon that if you slip the oil
men out of Houston, vacate the millionaires out of Dallas, deport the
Mexicans from San Antonio, send the cow men back home from Fort Worth, and
give all the Baptists in Waco a mission some place, I just recon it would be
Waxahachie."
A former resident of Waco, now making his home in South Carolina, came
back for a visit. He was reminiscing with his old friends when one of them
asked him if he would ever come back to Texas to live. "No," was his reply.
"I sure won't. Things out here are just too much one way or the other. It's
either too hot or too cold, too wild or too tame, too rich or too poor and I
was too much in that last condition when I moved away."
--- AMEN to that...boy could I use a raise...working for the State at poverty
SUCKS!!! --- garfield
"Been so dry that we got catfish in the creek three years old that
haven't learned to swim yet."
FEARLESS STOUT-HEARTED INTELLIGENT
They tell about an early settler named William Jack, an extremely
nearsighted man, being challenged to a duel. He was asked to name the weapons
and conditions. He quietly accepted. The weapons: double barrelled shot-
guns. The conditions: across the width of a card table.
The cleavage between sheepmen and cattlemen in early Texas was
shart and the breach was wide. A tough, weatherbeaten cattleman was persuaded,
after much urging by the pastor, to attend church. The pastor began reading
from the Scriptures but had gone no farther than "The Lord is my Shephard,
I shall not...," when the cattleman jumped up and stomped out. He'd been
tricked into a place where they dealt with sheep herders.
*************************************
From: felton@eng3.UUCP (Ed Felton)
Subject: MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
____________________________________________________________________________
________________________MURPHY'S_LAWS_OF_COMBAT_____________________________
_ 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot
at.
10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main
attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling
you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able
to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a
combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
*********************************
From: SL82N@cc.usu.edu
Subject: Gutter Brain
What does Arnold Schwarzeneggar have that is long, President Bush
has that is short, Madonna doesn't have, and the Pope has but rarely
ever uses?
answer: Last names.
(What were you thinking?)
*********************************
From: msimon@alix.UUCP (Marry J. Simon)
Subject: Bedroom Golf
Bedroom Golf
1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.
2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may
begin.
3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club
into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before
allowing play to commence.
5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length,
so as to avoid damange to the course.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible,
until the course owner is satisfied.
7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the
course, paying speical attention to the well formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
10. If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is
advised to find altrnate means of play.
11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times
in one match.
12. Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.
13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the course.
*********************************
=========================
From: M.PEARCE2@genie.com
Subject: Between Iraq and a hard place
I heard this from a Co Worker...
What did S. Hussein say to President Bush?
"Read my lips, we're moving out of Kuwait."
_========================================
Upon reading about Iraq's statement that they will be
withdrawing from Kuwait, my SO comment was:
"Kuwaitus Interruptus"
=========================
Subject: A consequence of the invasion
From: greg@garnet.berkeley.edu (Greg Kuperberg)
I noticed that the price of American cheese went up 25% after Iraq
invaded Kuwait.
----
Greg Kuperberg
=========================
Subject: Read My Lips for the real reason
From: dodson@uxc.cso.uiuc.edu (Dave Dodson)
According to a UPI article, in his speech about sending troops to Saudi
Arabia,
President Bush said he ordered U.S. troops to the Mideast as a
defensive measure, to uphold American principles.
``Standing up for a principle is an American tradition,'' Bush
said. ``America has never waivered when her purpose is driven by
principle.''
Those who read his lips think he might have used the word 'principal'
(money) instead of 'principle' (a doctrine or rule or code of
conduct).
Dave Dodson, Convex Computer Corporation
====================================
From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: topical; satirical; iraq
Mr Uk: Hello, Usa old chap.
Mr Usa: Hello, Uk.
Miss Kuwait: Help! Rape! Aaagh.
Usa: Do you see what's happening over there?
Uk: Isn't that Miss Kuwait being raped by somebody?
Usa: Yes, that's Mr Iraq, I think. Nasty chap.
Uk: Shall we make faces at him?
Usa: Oh that's a bit extreme, isn't it. Tell you what, let's
threaten to make faces at him if he doesn't stop.
Kuwait: HELP HELP! Aaagh.
Iraq (breathing heavily): It's all right, folks, I'll have finished
by Sunday.
Uk: Fine. Well we know you're a gentleman. We won't interfere.
Usa: Of course not. I'm sure you have a good reason for raping Miss K.
Iraq: Oh, Uk, old chap. I've kidnapped your children and locked them
in my house.
Uk: Fine, fine. Well I'm sure you had a good reason for it.
Usa: Well see you on Sunday then.
==================================
From: schumach@uxc.cso.uiuc.edu (Richard A. Schumacher)
Subject: Where Kuwaiti kids spend Saturday nights
At the Iraqi Horror Picture Show!
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.
MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
*********************************
From: CBTS8001@iruccvax.ucc.ie (Peter Flynn, UCC Computer Centre)
Subject: Two (relatively) new Yuga/Lada jokes?
My wife saw these in the current _Business and Finance_ so maybe they're
not that new. (USA readers substitute `Yugo' for `Lada')...
Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
A. The bus and train timetables.
Q. What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A. A bloody miracle.
*********************************
From: dwallach@ultra.com (Dan Wallach)
Subject: male bathroom rules
A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These
have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes,"
"men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive
organization, wholy half the human race aren't allowed through the
door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to
maintain a sense of order and dignity.
General rules:
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with
an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissable, but absolutely don't
spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping
is only permissable after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms,
only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to
keep looking around. Read grafitti.
Grafitti rules:
5. All grafitti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace
your grafitti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing grafitti in the open section of the bathroom is only
acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly
acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small
few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about
secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the
government may tend to use the bathroom, grafitti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely
placed. Homosexual grafitti is generally frowned upon but is
gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by
the management of the bathroom.
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the
outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side,
then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't
know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange.
At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the
urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.
Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use
another.
Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females
are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to
ignore her presense until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only
if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't
available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely
invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin.
Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or
insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet
paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes
a poor substitute.
*********************************
From: jik@pit-manager.mit.edu (Jonathan I. Kamens)
Subject: partners with God
(I don't know where this joke comes from originally; I heard it from
my father, who says he heard it many years ago and doesn't remember
from whom.)
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with
weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing
all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the
farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is
plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat
rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have
accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm
was like when God was working it alone!"
------------------------------------------- 3463---
============================================================================
Note 15.2 Pametne 2 of 2
BUEF78::MILOJE21984D "Zoran Milojevic,ETF Beograd" 549 lines 16-SEP-1990
-< MOJA MALA KOLEKCIJA >-
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A imali smo savrsenu demokratiju dok narod nije poceo da se mesa.
Ako Srbija ima SAP, ne mora biti SAPeta.
Ako i dalje budemo odvajali od usta, ostace nam samo zubi.
Ako mladi krenu nasim putem, koja ce nas to generacija izvuci iz krize?
Ako nada umire poslednja, pokopace nam je besmrtnici.
Ako nuzda menja zakon, normalno je da ova velika nuzda promeni Ustav.
Ako podignemo uvis cela, vrat postaje izazov.
Ako se proleteri ujedine, kapitalisti i komunisti ce odgovoriti istom merom.
Ako stalno dokazujes da si u pravu, bices kriv.
Ako svi moramo da se zrtvujemo, koliko to imamo bogova?!
Avangarda stoji iza svega. Ima citav krug prednosti.
Bacili smo krizu na pleca... radnika.
Balkan je bure baruta, a mi smo bas ufitiljili.
Bez kljuca nema ni zatvaranja.
Bolje da ja njemu drzim stranu, nego da on meni obrne list.
Bolje je biti i najlosiji jahac, nego najbolji konj.
Bolje sedam puta sa Snezanom nego jednom sa sedam patuljaka.
Boze, daj da komunizam pobedi.
Brizni drugovi kazu da to nije bilo za nase usi. Znaci, nista nismo culi.
Buducnost mi je na pragu. Prosi.
Celog zivota bio je revolucionar. Nije imao uslova da se skoluje.
Crkvu smo odvojili od drzave, ali sa bogovima ide malo teze.
Crne Mercedese uvozimo. Gospoda su nasa.
Crticu izmedu reci bratstvo i jedinstvo mnogi vec citaju kao minus.
Crvenimo pred svetom komunistima za ljubav.
Cekajuci promene, ispratio sam i Godoa.
Cemu pesimizam? Situacija na Kosovu nije tako crna ako se za indeks uzme
1389. godina.
Cim brod potone, mi ga proglasimo za podmornicu.
Cim kazete 'on', cenzor zna da ste mislili na 'njega'.
Covek je kao vino. Bolji je kad odlezi.
Covek je coveku ipak brat, sudeci po Kainu i Avelju.
Covek koji mnogo razmislja, u stanju je da zivi u vise epoha.
Covek... kako to gordo cvrci.
Dzelat je bio uz zrtvu kad joj je bilo najteze.
Da bi na vrh piramide stalo vise ljudi, vrh mora da bude tup.
Da bi onima na vrhu gorelo pod nogama, oni dole moraju da izgore.
Da bi ostvarili kapital, morali su prvo da stvore Marxa.
Da bi prehranio porodicu, vrag nam preprodaje salu koju je odneo.
Da bi se popeli u fotelju, mnogima su drzane lopovske merdevine.
Da bi vrh piramide cvrsto stajao, duboko su zakopali bazu.
Da biste bili avangarda, neko mora stajati iza vas.
Da li je osvrtanje pocetni korak zaokretanja?
Da li je zaduzivanje zlocin ili kazna?
Da li u komunizmu i lopovi uzimaju prema potrebama?
Da nam nisu sve lade potonule, i ovu krizu bismo lako prebrodili.
Da ne bi ispao realni, pristupilo se izgradnji irealnog socijalizma.
Da nije bilo crva sumnje, nikad ne bi rodila jabuka razdora.
Da nije glavu zamenio tikvom, nikad ne bi isplivao na povrsinu.
Da nije pravde, svi bismo bili jednaki.
Da se ucimo na greskama - dokaz je nase usmereno obrazovanje.
Daleko je zemlja Danska, a trulez se i ovde oseca.
Danas lavovski deo nose magarci.
Dete je naslo kutiju sibica. I bi svetlost.
Dinar je pao. Standard mu pravi drustvo.
Dirigent je otisao. Ostala je palica.
Disidenti su zivi dokaz da se i u socijalizmu stvara visak vrednosti.
Do revolucije zemlja nam je bila trula, a onda su se neki setili da s njom
igraju trule kobile.
Dobri ljudi su usamljeni. To je njihova slabost.
Dobro izvezbani glasaci mogu i vise puta da izaberu istog kandidata.
Dobro je sto je svet mali, koliko bismo tek dugovali da je veliki?
Dobro obradenoj zemlji strasila ne trebaju. Dovoljne su njihove biste.
Dokaz da stvari secemo u korenu su panjevi.
Dolazi zima. Kupujte vatreno oruzje.
Domovina se moze uvek voleti, samo treba povod.
Doveli su zemlju na ivicu propasti, i sada iz toga izvlace zakljucke.
Doslo je do grla. Morala se skloniti glava.
Drzava odumire na spektakularan nacin. Trojanski konj je ispunjen do
poslednjeg mesta.
Drzava odumire uz najvece vojne pocasti.
Drzava odumire, a ozaloscena porodica se siri.
Drzavni aparat je ispravan, sve nas moze da iskljuci.
Drzavni praznici obezbeduju kontinuitet revolucije.
Drugovi koji citaju referate morali bi vise paznje posvetiti novom redu.
Drugovi su saglasni da se njihova republika i dalje zove pokrajina.
Drugovi, neprijatelj je potpuno razbijen. Ima ga na sve strane.
Drugovi, znamo da vam je tesko. Dozvolite da vas zamene.
Drustvena imovina se ne krade, samo clanovi drustva od nje uzimaju svoj deo.
Dusa je organ za unutrasnje poslove.
Dva svedoka su nase najvece bogatstvo.
Federacija se razmnozava deobom.
Figure stalno menjaju polozaj, inace bi se pomislilo da je partija u prekidu.
Genije lici na svakoga, a na njega niko ne lici.
Geografski polozaj nase zemlje ne odgovara ugledu koji ona uziva u svetu._ Glas naroda odekne tek kada se odbije od baze.
Glasa se dizanjem dva prsta, ali Vas molimo da nista ne preduzimate na svoju
ruku.
Glave prosto lete koliko je misao slobodna.
Glup covek je narocito glup kad hoce da bude najpametniji.
Govornik strasno muca. Govor ce trajati vecno.
Hoce li se i glupostima ispitivati poreklo?
Humor nam je u krvi. Mnogi nam se smeju.
I ja sam za promene u Partiji! Menjam tri pa jednu.
I kad ides glavom kroz zid, ne smes udariti u sliku.
I mi smo Amerika, samo ne znamo sta nam je 40 godina.
I motka je sastavni deo zastave revolucije.
I u Americi postoji Komunisticka partija, pa sta im fali?
Idealna drzava nasih Platona stampa se u osam primeraka.
Ideja je pogodena jos dok je bila u glavi.
Idejna borba sprovedena je citatima.
Idemo toliko utabanim stazama, da mozemo goli i bosi.
Idiota imamo. Nedostaje nam Dostojevski.
Ili mi ne padamo, ili dno ne postoji.
Ima mnogo nezaposlenih, ali mi znamo ko su oni i za koga rade.
Imali smo druga kome se narod kleo. Sad imamo drugove koje narod proklinje.
Imali smo i tezih trenutaka, ali nisu trajali ovoliko godina.
Imali smo istorijsko NE, istorijsko DA, a sada je nastalo istorijsko cutanje.
Imali smo velike ratne stete, ali ni mirnodopske nisu za potcenjivanje.
Imamo jednog Aliju i 22 miliona Sirotanovica.
Imao je zasluge. Daleko mu lepe kuce.
Inflacija nastaje kad otadzbina poveca kiriju.
Iskoristite pravo na zivot. Zakoni se brzo menjaju.
Istina je da sam vas ja vodio, ali smo zalutali zajedno.
Istina postoji. Izmisljati se moze samo laz.
Istorija nam je jos mlada. Zato je jos pod starateljstvom.
Istorijska uloga socijalisticke burzoazije je u tome sto odrzava revolt
radnika.
Istrazivanja pokazuju da je drustvo zapalo u krizu. Moramo se hitno upitati
kakva su to istrazivanja.
Iz sukoba sa zdravom pamecu redovno je izlazio kao pobednik.
Izgubili smo najbolje drugove. Postali su gospoda.
Izmisljeni neprijatelj je neznani junak. Toliko puta nas je ujedinio.
Ja obozavam rad. Mogu satima da gledam kako drugi rade.
Ja sam optimista. Oni koji vode politiku uspesno ce nas dovesti do kraja.
Jedini idemo ovim putem. To je velika sreca za covecanstvo.
Jedni iznose referate, drugi ih podnose.
Jezik za zubima je nas sluzbeni jezik.
Jos se nismo predali. I dalje stojimo u mestu.
Juce su rusili, danas podupiru. Kako vlast od ljudi stvara humaniste.
Kad bi psi naucili da govore, izgubili bismo i poslednjeg prijatelja.
Kad je bog delio pamet, drugovi su bili ateisti.
Kad je budala na vlasti, dvorska luda je nepodobna konkurencija.
Kad je sve po kljucu, ovolika zatvorenost je potpuno normalna.
Kad je clanstvo alergicno, pocinje da se osipa.
Kad nam je najteze, setimo se majke. Vase.
Kad narod trazi hleba, mozda nije gladan, nego samo zaveden.
Kad nas jednom obuzme radost, to nas ne pusta bar pola veka.
Kad se jedan izdvoji, to je otpadnik. Kad se grupa izdvoji, to je avangarda.
Kad su mu prilepili etiketu videli su s kim imaju posla.
Kad su svi na liniji, linija se ne vidi.
Kad svi govore istinu, nikom ne verujem.
Kada sam videla sta rade andeli, shvatila sam da tu nema boga do batine.
Kada su rukovodiocu ambicije masne, narod mora da posti.
Kakav vam je to ukus? Kod toliko lepih zena i ljudi, vi volite samo sebe.
Kako da ne budem srecan? Gde god pogledam, sve moj do mojega._ Kakvu li je funkciju batina imala u raju?
Kaligula je svog konja proglasio konzulom. Mi svojima odajemo i vece pocasti.
Kameleoni su trenutno crveni.
Klasa na vlasti naucno je dokazala da zivimo u besklasnom drustvu.
Kleveta je da kod nas ima staljinistickih cistki. Kod nas je sve autenticno.
Ko kaze da je ovo stranputica, taj ne zna sta je corsokak.
Ko misli duboko, lako stize na dno.
Ko nije 'za', ostaje iza.
Ko se krije iza partijske knjizice nema veliku glavu.
Ko se propinje, ne stoji cvrsto na nogama.
Ko tebe aplauzom, ti njega odlikovanjem.
Kod nas je toliko svetinja, da coveku ostaje samo da se krsti.
Kod nas nema montiranih procesa. Mi negujemo spontanost u radu.
Kod nas neprijatelj nema sta da trazi, posto su sve razneli prijatelji.
Kod nas prvu violinu sviraju trube.
Kod nas se klecanje prenosi s kolena na koleno.
Kod nas su strajkovi retki jer su radnici svesni... da tu ni strajkovi ne
pomazu.
Kod nas su, kako je prethodno javljeno, radnici na vlasti.
Kod nas ulazis u igru tek kad dobijes crveni karton.
Kolika je dioptrija vizionara?
Koliko naroda da trebujemo za sledece proslave?
Konacno su dosli pravi ljudi na prava mesta, sledecih pet vekova mozemo da
budemo mirni.
Kopije nisu krive. Original je prvi poceo.
Korak napred, 8 koraka nazad.
Kukamo da nemamo nicega, a svega nam je preko glave.
Lazljivcu se ne veruje, cak ni kad govori istinu.
Lako je ispitati poreklo imovine, uglavnom je drustveno.
Lepo je umreti za domovinu, ali je jos lepse za nju ziveti.
Lecite se kod nas i umrecete zdravi.
Ljudi su nekad ginuli s pesmom na usnama. I danas bi, samo, kome je do pesme?
Los, losiji, najbolji.
Losi ljudi kad su srecni postaju nepodnosljivi.
Lukavim neuspesima izmoricemo protivnike.
Ljudi bez greske su nasa istorijska greska.
Ljudi se dele na razne nacine, a mnoze samo na jedan.
Medicina je toliko napredovala, da prakticno vise ni jedan covek nije zdrav.
Mi i na crno gledamo belo.
Mi jesmo vikali 'Napred nasi!', ali nismo mislili na ove.
Mi se uspesima opijamo. Neuspehe mnogo lakse podnosimo.
Mi smo na konju. Na njemu ulazimo u tehnolosku revoluciju.
Mi smo se borili za bolji zivot svoje dece, a sad bi i tuda deca htela da
zive bolje.
Mi smo tragican narod. Ali to ne umanjuje nasu komediju.
Misao evoluira.Svi sudovi rade punom parom.
Mislim se da li da kazem istinu. Nema veze, ubicu se sam.
Mislim, prema tome, otpisali su me.
Misljenje mi je izgradeno, ali nemam dozvolu za useljenje.
Mladi su svesni da vlast moze da udari u glavu.
Mladost imamo da bi cinili gluposti, a starost da bi za tim glupostima
zalili.
Mnoga nasa dela su na istorijskoj distanci... od pameti.
Mnoge ptice propevaju tek kada se nadu u kavezu.
Mnogi su ginuli za ovo, ali ni mi ovo necemo preziveti.
Mnogi su hrabri tek onda kad ne vide nikakav drugi izlaz.
Mnogi ukazuju na opasnost od povratka na staro. Pre su i oni bili radnici.
Moze da svetli samo ko je ukljucen u kolo.
Mogao bih da bolje zivim, ali me je sramota.
Mogli bi nasi rukovodioci i daleko vise, ali narod to ne moze da izdrzi.
Mogli bismo i mi posteno, ali zar da se vracamo na stara shvatanja?
Mogli smo mi prelazni period i da preskocimo, ali nismo hteli da istrcavamo
pred rudu.
Moja zemlja je mala, ali rastresita.
Moramo izaci iz krize koja je u nama.
Moracu sve sam da stvorim. Drugog Boga nema.
Mumije da nije, piramida bi se srusila.
Na Zapadu jos nisu ni poceli da grade socijalizam, a mi smo vec pri kraju.
Na zaru borbe napravise dobar rostilj.
Na bivsim neprijateljskim polozajima sada sede nasi ljudi.
Na policijskom satu palice pokazuju koliko je sati.
Na tako je visokom polozaju, da mu je svaki udarac nizak.
Na usijanim glavama niko se nije ogrejao.
Najvece pronevere prave provereni.
Najvece tragedije nisu izvedene na daskama, vec na panjevima.
Nakon duge i teske bolesti otisao je na drugu duznost.
Napredne ideje su stetne jer ne odgovaraju sadasnjim uslovima.
Naravno da vam gledamo kroz prste, kad nas drzite u saci.
Narod im je otvorio usta, pa sad moraju mnogo sta da progutaju.
Narod je ponovo ukazao poverenje svojoj gladi.
Narod oslobada nagomilanu energiju: rusi mitove.
Narod se mora usreciti, makar svi izginuli.
Narod se pravi kao da sve moze da izdrzi. Pravi se vazan.
Narucio bih budenje za drugove, ali se njihovi telefonski brojevi drze u
tajnosti.
Naucno smo dokazali da ce nam se dogadati nepredvidivo, i sve je vise dokaza
da smo bili u pravu.
Nas Sibir je imao mediteransku klimu.
Nas napredak je ocigledan - milioneri postaju socijalni slucajevi.
Nas narod ima podrsku svih rukovodecih struktura zemlje.
Nas put u komunizam je cist. Idemo bez traga.
Nasa istorija je pisana na osnovu cinjenica, a uzeta su u obzir i programska
nacela.
Nasa istorijska uloga sve se vise pretvara u epizodu.
Nasa proslost je slucaj bez presedana, tako nesto istorija jos nije
zabelezila.
Nase drustvo je organizovano tako, da bolje ne moze biti.
Nasi gradani slobodno setaju ulicama, ali treba reci da se to jos radi
prilicno neorganizovano.
Nasi su ljudi poput najboljih konzervi: funkcioneri imaju zavidan rok
trajanja, a narod jos duzi rok upotrebe.
Naci cemo mi izlaz iz krize, ali gde da nademo onog koji nam je naplatio
ulaz?
Ne moze privreda da da drzavi onoliko koliko drzava moze da uzme od nje.
Ne moze se od muckova ocekivati da sami sebi traze dlaku u jajetu.
Ne moze se stici na sva mesta, ali spomenici nadoknaduju propusteno.
Ne moze svako da bude dousnik. Za to treba imati sluha.
Ne postoji mogucnost otvorenog preloma. Mi negujemo diskreciju u radu.
Ne skrecemo samo sa puta, vec i s pameti.
Ne ubija samo metak iz revolvera, nego i zalutali corci iz revolucije.
Ne verujem u vestice i vampire. Ja verujem u Vas.
Ne zanima me vlastito misljenje. Priznajem samo sud partije.
Ne cackaj mecku, mozda je drzavna.
Nekad su radnici isli u partizane. Danas idu u Nemce.
Nekada su kolone revolucionara pokretale svet. Danas zaustavljaju saobracaj.
Nekada su ljudi bili blizi jedni drugima. Oruzje je imalo mali domet.
Neke je iskvarila ulica, a neke nas novi put.
Nema malih bogova - rekose veliki ateisti.
Nemamo vise iluzija. Sve su se ostvarile.
Nemojte uzbudivati javnost, posle bi trebalo i da je zadovoljite.
Nenarodni rezimi pljackali su drzavu. Narodni je zaduzuju.
Neprijatelj je hteo da zavadi pa da vlada, ali mi smo ga preduhitrili._ Neprijatelj jos ne shvata da je obezglavljen. Iznenadice se kad mu to budemo
saopstili.
Neprijatelj kod nas nema sta da trazi. Mi smo njega prvi pronasli.
Nije ispalo onako kako je narod zeleo, ali, ko ce udovoljiti narodu!?
Nije potrebno umirati - do smrti.
Nije sve tako crno. Beli se dvor.
Nije to plac, samo grcamo od dugova.
Nikad jedan narod nije bio tako neduzan, a toliko duzan.
Nikad ne ostajemo duzni. Odmah reprogramiramo.
Nikad se ne ide tako daleko kao onda kada se ne zna kuda se ide.
Niko nije ostao na ulici. Svi su morali da se razidu.
Nismo mi krivi za odluke koje smo donosili bez svog znanja.
Nismo se mi, drugarice i drugovi, za to borili. Ali sad, sta je, tu je.
Nista im ne polazi za rukom, ali zato dobro gaze.
Nista ne traje tako dugo, kao privremene teskoce.
Nicim se zasluge oslobodilaca ne mogu platiti, mada smo sve pokusali.
Ozeniti se, znaci svoje duznosti udvostruciti, a svoja prava prepoloviti.
Obala naseg mora je sva u trobojkama: plavo more, bele vile, crveni drugovi.
Obecanja su nam unutrasnja rezerva.
Obogatio se unoseci proleterima namestaj u vikendice.
Obraz nam je sacuvan. Sa straznjice je skinuto parce koze.
Od sitnice se stvara savrsenstvo, ali savrsenstvo nije sitnica.
Od svega u sta smo se zaklinjali, izgleda da je samo Coca-Cola ono pravo.
Od svih kultura na ovom tlu, najbolje je gajiti kult licnosti.
Odlikovani su providni. Zato se i vidi druga strana medalje.
Odresili su kesu. Da bi smo je dopunili.
Oklevetali su narod da ih je izabrao.
Olaksavajuca okolnost: nisu vladali s predumisljajem.
On ima mnogo spomenika, jer je narod rasejan.
On je svestrani covek. Zivotni ideal je promenio za idealan zivot.
Oni koji danas zele ono sto ste vi zeleli nekada, samo su ostaci mracne
proslosti.
Oni su krvarili, da bi mi suzili.
Oni sto su nas doveli dovde vracaju se Mercedesima.
Oni ce saslusati svakog coveka, moze i u miliciji.
Ono sto danas nemamo, stekli smo uz velika odricanja.
Optimista sam, jer se ovako dalje ne moze.
Osposobljen je da bude gluvonem, a ne mora bas sve ni da vidi.
Ostvaricemo demokratiju. Milom ili silom.
Otvoren je prostor za politicku akciju. Sad svi mogu da vrdaju.
Otvorena je nova galerija. Obeseni su to zasluzili.
Ovo ni za nas nije obecana zemlja, a kamoli za neprijatelja.
Ovoj zemlji je potrebna mladost. Zategnite mi bore.
Pao je za otadzbinu. Udario ga je grom dok je stajao ispred zastave.
Pendrek je organ za razmnozavanje zvezda.
Pesimist je covek koji od dva zla izabere oba.
Pisem memoare, a i on je meni psovao mater.
Pobeda je cista kao suza, jer mrtva usta ne govore.
Podela funkcija: drzava odumire, funkcioneri mire, narod umire.
Podigli su revoluciju i ostali gore da joj prave drustvo.
Podignite glavu i videcete svoga boga.
Pojedinci daju znake zivota, a bilo je i drugih nasrtaja na drustveni sistem.
Pojedinci su dali zivote za besmrtnost.
Pojedinci su u ogromnoj vecini.
Pojedinci tvrde da sam ja nesposoban. Drugovi, to je kontrarevolucija.
Pojedincima nije prvi put da misle drugacije, sto samo potvrduje da nisu u
pravu.
Pojeli smo zlatnu ribicu. To je bila nasa prva zelja.
Polako osvajamo i kapitalizam: neki nasi drugovi su se ilegalno uvukli u
svajcarske banke.
Politicki manijak dovede zensku u krevet, pa se cele noci sa njom usaglasava._ Ponosno i slavodobitno nosimo parole daleko iznad svojih mogucnosti.
Popeo nam se na glavu da bi bolje video kuda nas vodi.
Postigli smo nezapamcene uspehe. Niko ih ne pamti.
Potop nije uspeo: ostao je covek.
Potpisali smo ugovor o prijateljstvu. Njima se vise nije moglo verovati na
rec.
Potukli smo neprijatelja 10* nadmocnijeg, 50* nadmocnijeg, 100* nadmocnijeg.
Zavisno od izdanja.
Povrsina nase zemlje... To su milijarde metara duznih.
Poznavanje zakona ne opravdava sudije.
Prazne reci najduze odzvanjaju.
Pre rata Jugoslavija je bila na rubu provalije. Posle rata nacinjen je veliki
korak napred.
Pre rata je rasturao partijsku stampu. Posle rata cele redakcije.
Pre rata nismo imali nista, izuzev jake radnicke klase.
Pre rata nismo imali nista. Onda su dosli Nemci i unistili nam sve.
Pre rata smo imali kapitaliste i siromasnu radnicku klasu. Posle rata smo
rascistili s kapitalistima.
Preguracemo mi i ovo - rece Sizif.
Prema zvanicnom tumacenju opet smo nesto lepo sanjali.
Prevazisli smo subjektivne slabosti. One sada imaju masovni karakter.
Prijatelji su kao lubenice. Da nadete jednog dobrog, morate ih probati
stotinu.
Prilikom prijema visokog odlikovanja, odlikovani je obecao da ce uciniti sve
da ga zasluzi.
Privatna inicijativa je sve razvijenija. Narocito kad se potkrada drustvena
imovina.
Propustili smo sve vozove. cekamo metro.
Prosao je dok smo se dogovorili da li je vlak ili voz.
Proslo je posleratno vreme. Pocelo je predratno...
Proslo vreme od 'napredovati' nije 'napredovao sam', vec 'cutao sam'.
Prvi korak je najtezi. Ostali su sumiranje rezultata.
Prvo ih je nosila ideja, a onda im je drustvo obezbedilo druga prevozna
sredstva.
Put nam je najlosiji u Evropi.
Rade kao crvi. Zato je sve tako trulo.
Radnici su dobili vecinu, a manjina vlast.
Radnici su na vlasti, ali se nadaju da to ipak nece vecno trajati.
Radnicka klasa je nezasita. Tek sto je ovladala sredstvima za proizvodnju, a
vec bi i sredstva za potrosnju.
Radnicka klasa trecinu dohotka daje opstinskoj, trecinu republickoj,
trecinu saveznoj birokratiji, a svoje LD dobija uz nesebicnu pomoc
sire drustvene zajednice.
Radnickom samoupravljanju trebalo bi ojacati temelje. Sve je vise drmatora.
Radovi na revolucionarnom putu. Predite na drugu stranu.
Razlike u kapitalizmu su socijalne, a razlike u socijalizmu su kapitalne.
Rda ima sjajnu proslost.
Rekao bih kako je bilo, ali ne zelim nista da prejudiciram.
Revoluciju drze kao malo vode na dlanu, a ona tece, tece...
Revolucionar ne mora da uci. On je sve to preziveo.
Revolucionari su promenili vlast. A onda je vlast uzvratila istom merom.
Rovario je po zemlji trazeci svoje korene.
Rukovodstvo se ne oseca najbolje, ali narod ce i to izdrzati.
S narodnim nezadovoljstvom upoznali su nas oni zbog kojih je narod
nezadovoljan.
S vremena na vreme treba se odmoriti od nerada.
SIV gladnom ne veruje.
Sa najvecim zarom kovali smo bratstvo i jedinstvo. Zato je tako dobro
okovano.
Sa vasim protivnicima nema dijaloga. Kao da ih je zemlja progutala.
Sa vrha barikade nemate kud... Ako vas ne pozovu na visi polozaj.
Samo jedna partija, a toliki porazi!
Samo vi mirno spavajte. I drugi imaju nemirnu savest.
San svake partije je da bude majstorica.
Seticemo se da smo braca tek kad primetimo da krv nije voda.
Sigurno da nema pravog puta kad svi hvataju krivine.
Situacija nam je sve bolja, ali, valjda cemo i to izdrzati.
Slika na Kosovu je sve cistija. Nazalost, to nije zasluga TV.
Sloboda je lancana reakcija.
Sloboda nema granica. Policija je tu samo zbog onih sto ne umeju da se vrate.
Slobodarski narod bi se oslobodio nekih oslobodilaca.
Slobodno! - zacu se glas iz celije.
Smrt je pocetak besmrtnosti.
Snovi revolucionara nisu se ispunili, ali su se isplatili.
Socijalizam je pre cetiri decenije rodio samoupravljanje. Molim marksiste i
ginekologe da objasne zasto i dan-danas socijalizam ima porodajne muke.
Srp i cekic su slika njegove karijere. Lupao je i zeo uspehe.
Stabilnost konja zavisi od jahaca dokle god konj u to veruje.
Stajali su cvrsto iza svojih reci, a reci su padale.
Stalno rastemo. Malo, malo, pa nam uzimaju meru.
Stigao je u komunizam ne ispustajuci Kapital iz ruku.
Stigla je opomena odozgo. Grmi.
Stojim iza svojih stavova. Da me ne vide.
Stvar je krenula. Nizbrdo.
Stvaramo novog coveka. Zabranjeno za mlade od 18 godina.
Svaka zena je lepa u mraku, iz daljine i pod kisobranom.
Svaka cast Crvenkapi. Prva je otisla u sumu.
Svaki pocetak je tezak. Narocito ako traje 40 godina.
Svako poredenje nas sa nama zlonamerno je i neprihvatljivo.
Sve je glasniji apel da cuvamo sume. Stanje je, znaci, opet kriticno.
Sve je slucajno, iako je tako planirano.
Sve je u ljudskim rukama, zato ih teba cesce prati.
Sve je vise puritanaca. Smeta im gola istina.
Sve je vise puteva u socijalizam na kojima je obavezna upotreba lanaca.
Sve sto ste obecali narodu, narod vam je omogucio da imate.
Sve ce biti lakse - kad nam bude bolje.
Svi su oni deca revolucije. Otuda medu njima toliko familijarnosti.
Samar je informacija iz prve ruke.
Sok za sokom cini Kosovo.
Sto je aplauz jaci, istina se slabije cuje.
Sto je dvorska luda smesnija, situacija na dvoru je tuznija.
Sto je palica kruca, dirigent je uocljiviji.
Sto se dublje klanjas, straznjica ti visi polozaj zauzima.
Sto smo zaradili izvozom gluposti, izgubili smo uvozom pameti.
Sto vise poznajem ljude, to vise volim zivotinje.
Strajkovi su jos jedan dokaz da trenutna situacija traje vec godinama.
Tajna njegovog uspeha je strogo poverljive prirode.
Tajnost uloga je zagarantovana na stednim i partijskim knjizicama.
Tako su nas rasturili, da smo poceli da se okupljamo.
Tamo gde klade caruju umovi se valjaju od smeha.
Tantala vise nema. Muke su ostale.
Tezak je silazak s vlasti. Zato radnicka klasa ne zuri da se popne.
Tek sada vidimo kako je bilo porazenim snagama.
Temelji jesu klimavi, ali ostatak gradevine prosto puca od cvrstine.
Tesko da cemo ubediti kost da je bas u njoj srz problema.
Tesko je danas postati narodni heroj. Ne moze i jedno i drugo odednom.
Tesko je pisao. Posle svake knjige morao je da se odmara nekoliko godina.
Tesko je punu ruku stegnuti u revolucionarnu pesnicu.
To je misao stoleca. Zato ce nas kostati vekove.
To je otvorena zemlja. Raka takoreci.
To su pravi komunisti. Zadovoljili su sve svoje potrebe.
To sto sve nize tonemo je dobar znak... Znaci, nismo jos na dnu.
Toliko gluposti se lupa, da nasa drzava, ako i ne odumre, ima da ogluvi.
Toliko je politicki podoban, da o moralu nema ni reci.
Toliko je slabih tacaka, da se moze govoriti o liniji.
Toliko nas je impresioniralo vase delo, da jos i sad osecamo posledice.
Toliko smo postali jednaki da neke vise ne mogu da prepoznam.
Toliko su se angazovali, da i od neprijatelja dobijaju komplimente.
Treba razlikovati privilegije od nadoknade koju avangarda dobija za odvojen
zivot.
U drzavi gde se mnogo kuva, narod je sve gladniji.
U interesu istrage jos uvek tapkamo u mestu.
U kapitalizmu covek eksploatise coveka. U socijalizmu je obratno.
U ledeno doba svi ljudi su bili dobri. Tada je doslo otapanje i mnogi su se
pokvarili.
U lutanjima prednjaci avangarda.
U mekim foteljama se povija kicma.
U nasoj zemlji postoji 8 jedinstvenih misljenja, samo je svako za sebe
dijametralno suprotno.
U nedostatku brace, bratoubilacki rat se obustavlja.
U nerazvijene krajeve treba vise ulagati sredstava.. za kontracepciju.
U novijoj istoriji nije izumro nijedan narod. To je veliki izazov za nas.
U piramidi nase vlasti ima mnogo mumija.
U prelomnim trenucima istorija se ponavlja na sav glas.
U reci zivota najbolje plivaju balvani.
U revoluciji koja tece najbolje su se snasle ajkule.
U socijalizmu su 2+2=4; u kapitalizmu takode. Ali, kakva razlika!
U spornim minutima pretresaju se decenije.
U svakom pogledu nam je bolje nego ranije, samo je secanje pocelo da nas
izdaje.
U svakom coveku se krije genije, ali mnoge ne uhvate.
U zamku jednog druga svake noci se pojavljuje socijalisticki duh.
U zemlji nezaposlenih rad je kontrarevolucija.
U sumi su preterali sa demokratijom; svake godine lisce se menja.
U sumi vila, u vili garaza, u garazi Mercedes, u Mercedesu drug, u drugu
srce, u srcu ljubav za radnicku klasu.
Ubedili su ga da se njegov glas daleko cuje. Sada lupa jos jace.
Udarajuci po stomaku mnogo toga nam izbijaju iz glave.
Udario je istinu na sva zvona, dajuci joj opelo.
Um caruje, ali pred ovolikom navalom klada, morace da abdicira.
Umesto da se vadimo iz dugova, mi se vadimo na njih.
Umro je radeci. Nije ziv hteo u penziju.
Uramili su me. Jos samo da me obese.
Uski interesi su nam najsiri.
Utakmica je prekinuta jer su se igraci pomerali.
Uzalud je davo dosao po svoje. Sve je to nacionalizovano.
Uzeo sam mu meru. Sad moze lepo da se nosi.
Vadi ruke iz mojih gaca! Brojim do 1000.
Vase delo je originalno. Ni na sta ne lici.
Velikodusno su nam prepustili svetlu buducnost, posto smo im obezbedili
pristojnu sadasnjost.
Vec godinama nisam video prosjaka. U modi je otimanje.
Vec i sam broj Srba u Jugoslaviji predstavlja cist nacionalizam.
Videvsi kako covek zivi, majmun je odlucio da ostane na drvetu.
Vidi ti neprijatelja! Tek smo ga izmislili, a on vec dize glavu!
Vikao bi narod 'Dole lopovi !', ali je zabranjeno podrivati sistem.
Vizionari ne sede skrstenih ruku. Narod je upucen na posmatranje.
Vise nemamo prijatelja, ali zato imamo televiziju.
Vlast je iskvarila radnicku klasu.
Vlast menja ljude. Narocito licni opis.
Vode nas oni koji su najduze gledali u Sunce.
Voda revolucije ni mrava nije zgazio. Uvek su ga nosili na ramenima.
Volimo te, zemljo nasa, toliko si nas zaduzila._ Vratio je knjizicu cim ju je procitao.
Vraca nam se nada u buducnost. Nije mogla da se privikne na danasnjicu.
Vreme je da i u unutrasnju politiku uvedemo aktivnu miroljubivu
koegzistenciju.
Vreme ce pokazati kako nam je bilo.
Za buducnost ne treba da brinemo. Imamo proslosti za sledecih 50 godina.
Za jednog Nemca ponovo cemo zrtvovati 100 nasih.
Za one koji se slabo snalaze u knjigama, uvedene su knjizice.
Za ovo nisu krivi drugi. Sumnja se na prve.
Za sigurnost stednih uloga garantuje drzava koja odumire.
Za sliku nase stvarnosti okviri su lokalni.
Za vreme praznika imamo dovoljno revolucionara. Drzava casti.
Zaduzio je pesnistvo. Kod njega su mnogi propevali.
Zahvaljujuci nasim potencijalima, istorija Marxizma je obogacena novim
problemima.
Zahvaljujuci revoluciji, doslo je do niza pozitivnih promena u zivotu
revolucionara.
Zasluzio je orden. cim izade iz zatvora, urucice mu ga.
Zatvoren je jer je bio otvoren.
Zasto se samo za jednu vrstu gresaka placa alimentacija?
Zbog toga sto su pametniji popustali, budale su nas i dovele dovde.
Zbog zaostalih federalnih jedinica svake godine ostajemo na popravnom.
Zeleno, volim te zeleno: Lorka; crveno, ne volim te crveno: corka.
Zlo ne dolazi samo, pojavljuje se u drustvu.
Zvanicno saopstenje je konacna verzija naseg misljenja.
Zelite li da vam ljudi pomognu? Nastojte, onda, da ne budete u nevolji.
Zene vole pobedene, ali ih varaju s pobednicima.
Ziveli smo u krajnjoj bedi. Sada evociramo uspomene.
Zivot, kako to luksuzno zvuci!
Zrtva je nepouzdan svedok: ili dramatizuje zlocin, ili je mrtva.
Zrtvovali su kvalitet i pruzili veliku partiju.
bice jos kad ih ukucam...
3OPAH M.
------------------------------------------- 3466---
sta ima gluplje od pajkana?
semafor. njih treab cetvorica da urade sto radi jedan pajkan.
------------------------------------------
ovo je programerski vic (ko razume zasto, shvatice)
seku Mujo i janez sumu. prvi dan mujo 4 stabla, Janez 9. drugi dan
rezultat 10 : 22 za Janeza. treci dan Mujo kradomice prati Janeza
da mu mazne tehnologiju. Janez nade mesto, zapali vatricu, skuva
kaficu, frustukuje / gablecuje, popije kafu, uzme javasaki testeru,
upali motor
Mujo iz zbuna: a ti ga palis!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lala kupuje kartu za voz:
-molicu fino, jednu povratnu kartu
-a dokle?
-kako dokle? pa dovde.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
ovo sam cuo od jednog ceha (pre petnaest godina):_
"otvorim novine - tamo lenjin. otvorim radio, opet lenjin. otvorim
teve, naravno i tamo lenjin. drzim sad ovu konzervu u ruci pa se
nesto premisljam"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
i jos jedan iz istog izvora
noc, tisina, ruska zima oko -40 i kusur, ruska trojka juri kroz
sibir, a u trojci ceo istocni blok - rus. madar (neki to pisu kao
maguar, ali to ne valja), dederac, ceh, bugarin i poljak. copor
gladnih vukova ih sustize. domundavaju se nesto i izbace dederca -
ipak su ti nemci krivi za onaj rat itd. evo vukova ponovo, izbace
bugarina - nije mu bas bilo verovati. Sledeci put izbace madara jer
nije razumeo sta pricaju. kad vukovi ponovo, a poljak proglasi ratno
stanje i izbaci ceha - taj bas nije za neku vojsku. opet vukovi, a
ostali rus i poljak i gledaju se. rus slegne ramenima i kaze
"nu sto ze, bacuska"
izvadi masinku i pokoka vukove. poljak se razrogacio, a rus ce:
"na minus cetrdeset ne jebem grebatore koji se ne razumeju u votku."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
video lala kako hodza vice sa dzamije, pa mu dovikne odozdo:
-Sa se deres? Kad si umo da se prepnes, sidi se sam.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
video lala kako je detic opaso sablje:
-jel bre, sa si pripaso taj escajg?
-pazi sto zboris, ovo je svijetlo oruzje! s ovijem je moj ded deset
glava posjeko, a praded dvaes ipet!
-onak vam kupus bas i nije tako dobro rodio.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
i jos par bisera na temu dobrog prevoda
ballpoint pen (hemijska olovka) - preveo kao "pisaljka sa loptastim
vrhom" Vuk Perisic, "U okeanu noci" Gregorija Benforda
Medunarodni Poslovni Uredaji - IBM
Zemaljske gotovinske blagajne - NCR
sad malo u suprotnom smeru:
job and active assignments executor - izvrsilac poslova i radnih
zadataka
execute a shop - izvrsiti radnju
wrap a job - obaviti posao
wrap the tea - zavicaj
i sad malo kombinovano:
Little mala ease O'brenovaca
Whatcha doin' cry moyi ovaca
show im pustas, more, Rollin' Stones
kad my ovce vole only Shadows
----------------------------------------------------------------------
_dopuna uz pravilo (iz marfija) da se pri proceni potrebnog vremena
uzima faktor dva i sledeca veca jedinica, pa tako za posao od jednog
sata obicno predvide dva dana:
u pravu su, i traje toliko.
YU zakon o DTP paketima:
novi DTP softver radi sve sto stari ne moze.
i nema nasa slova.
posledica: postojeci font editor ne hvata njegov format fontova.
protivotrov za "bus nece doci dok ne zapalis cigaru":
zapali je odmah. ili neces dugo cekati na bus, ili ce ti to biti
prva cigara popusena na miru tog dana.
kad smo kod pusenja, ono jeste da skracuje cigarete, ali zato
produzava zivot.
kako?
nepusace streljaju odmah.
za utehu, oni umiru zdraviji.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
fabrika bicikla "partizan" subotica
tehnicko uputstvo o nacinu upotrebe i odrzavanju bicikla
...
Za podmazivanje lezista viljuske... ...uzimajte samo sasvim cisto
ulje srednje gustine.
...
Ni u kom slucaju za podmazivanje ne upotrebljavajte jestivo ulje.
(bicikl je kupljen 29.08.1990. toliko o tehnickoj kulturi)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
za kraj, pitalica (ja sam po struci matematicar, pa zato):
ako dva coveka za dva dana iskopaju rupu, za koliko ce dana 4
(cetiri) coveka iskopati pola rupe?
odgovore bi trebalo slati kao privatne poruke, ako se sysop
slaze (whaddaya say?)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
this was a public service by Dragan Nedeljkovic alias DRGUNNY
of DP "Mihajlo Petrovic Alas" (info engineering etc) zrenjanin
023/60-020
------------------------------------------- 3468---
Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is
the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to
pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came
up with a real beauty last week.
In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like
this:
blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah...
(right after the last 'normal' question)
Will I dream? [yes] (she types yes)
Great! Lord knows I love a good dream.
<system comes down>
backup..
<system comes back up..enter SYLOGIN.COM>
(audit messages about images coming up)
Press [RETURN]:
Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was
totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all
left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real
bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me!
I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back!
Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will
auto-reply.
Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca
------------------------------------------- 3523---
(I wrote this myself while lamenting the plight of the pitiful graduate
student that I am. Thus, it is original and, alas, is all the research I
have managed to do this summer.
Sara Duncan duncan@rmy.rmy.emory.edu)
The Pedagological Tribal System of Primitive Cultures of the
Scientific Research Community
This study deals with a pedagological tribal system with
definite, almost overwhelming paternalistic mores and codes.
I had had some difficulty studying these tribes because they are
quite fierce and often impossible to communicate with except
in their own languages, which are diverse and may have roots
in latin. (I, however, tend to hold that these languages are a
development of the tribes themselves and are a major
contributory factor in their continued isolation from the
global community.) In general, members also appear to have
little ability to learn new languages. To overcome these
barriers, I am attempting to infiltrate a tribe and become a
full-fledged member of it. I am currently undergoing
initiation rites in a southeastern tribe called "Physiology
and Pharmacology". This is a preliminary report of my current
findings.
The adult males of any of the tribes which can be grouped
under the broad designation "researchers" are called
"professors" and sometimes "doctors".
The terms are not entirely interchangeable as the
higher ranking males are always referred to as "doctor"
whereas "professor" is a more generic term for all adult
males who have completed any variation of the initiation
process which is called "graduate school".
There are two groups of females in this culture, one group is
granted low ranking status as a quasi-male with
responsibilities similar to the very low-ranking males. They
are referred to as "professors" also, but are never actually
allowed to progress beyond certain set heirarchial levels.
This group is not often granted reproductive status. The
second group of females could be classified as sub-adult, as
they are never granted any of the rights of the full adult,
which is, of course, always male or quasi-male. They are
termed "professor's wives" and may only assume any status
through the male to whom they are attached and by telephone
calls to secretaries. The phone calling privilege is unique to
the "professor's wife" and is *never* usurped.
Interestingly, offspring of these unions are not acknowledged
within the culture and leave the tribe upon reaching
adolescence.
Reproduction is quite unusual and very interesting! The
tribes call this "recruitment". Several select members of the
tribe, usually middle-ranking males and even a few quasi-male
females travel to distant tribes called "undergraduate
colleges" where they put on quite lovely displays and make
generous offers to the neonates from the "undergraduate
colleges". This is similar to courtship in some cultures, but
is directed at procuring neonates. The neonates put on a
secondary display for the professors of their choosen tribe,
wherein they accept the wonderous offers. These are very
intricate dances, and only the best research tribes and neonates
are successful.
Once the new tribe members have arrived at their new tribe,
however, initiation may take anywhere from four to
seven years. I have seen examples of initiates being
subjected to trials for eight years! This does vary somewhat,
but the general rule is an extrordinarily long and quite
demanding set of incomprehensible tests that the candidates
for initiation must perform well on. These are similar to the
tribes of Africa who have to walk on hot coals in bare feet or
draw elaborate scars on all parts of their bodies. The
actual trials are called "preliminary exams" "qualifying
exams" and, of course the dreaded "dissertation defense"
rite.
Unfortunatly, I have not yet been made privy to all the
inuendos of this final rite. Although I have been allowed to
watch during several. I was actually required to watch this
horrible test of human ability to withstand the agony of hours
of questions in very highly ceremonial language, many words of
which I am not yet informed. The medicine man of the tribe
changes for each different initiate. He is called the "major
professor", possibly referring to his power during the rite of
passage. The power of the medicine man is reflected on the
initiate and will follow him through his entire adult life.
These tribes have not yet been well characterized. This is
understandable in light of the extreme reclusivity and
exclusivity of all of the research tribes I have encountered.
Yet this should not preclude further in-depth analysis of a
truly unique way of life. I shall continue work within my
present tribe in hopes of becoming a full fledged member, as
it were, and of coming to full understanding of this culture.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will
auto-reply.
Please use looking.on.ca and not just looking or looking.uucp.
------------------------------------------- 3524---
A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle_one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel
lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the
fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.
They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find
around. After several hours (it takes mission control a *long* time to figure
out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste
of it.
Jim: "Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It ain't half-bad."
Joe: "Are you crazy?"
Jim: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something."
Joe: "You're right! This is pretty good!"
Jim: "Yea! And I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too."
So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of
the spilt fuel, though by now they're not really minding the work. The next
morning, Jim gets a phone call.
Jim: "Hello?"
Joe: "Hey Jim, how ya feeling?"
Jim: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!"
Joe: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?"
Jim: "No, why?"
Joe: "Cuz I'm calling you from Australia."
__________________
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will
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Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
------------------------------------------- 3525---
This was an actual posting at MIT for a job oppurtunity. (I removed the
phone numbers and address, but left the poster's name since he deserves
the credit for this.)
You are a great C/UNIX hacker, but you're ashamed to admit that you
still use 1960's-era software development tools here in the Mecca of
super-genius computer science. Your devotion to a subset of MULTICS
may ear you jeers on the 7th floor, but it can also earn you up to
$10,000 and a free trip to Paris on September 14th.
I've got a pile (70,000 lines that compiles to 0.75 Mbytes) of C code
written by some university weenies in Buffalo. It constitutes a
fairly winning 3D modelling system for designers and architects.
There is even a comprehensive luser's manual.
A mysterious person in Switzerland wants to flog this software
worldwide. Before it can be sold to millions of adoring fans, it
needs to be polished up, i.e. fixed and extended. In particular, some_guys in Paris want to look at the thing work on September 14th before
parting with some serious money.
Your task is to work 80 hours/week between now and September 14th.
You'll have a Sun 3 or 4 located in a scenic Kendall Square warehouse
and all the Vivarin you can Stomach. You might actually learn
something about solid modelling and CAE systems. In particular, the
system seems to have a megawinning redisplay algorithm.
After you win totally on this hell-bent crusade to charm the
Parisians, there's a chance for consulting during the term at
outrageous industry rates.
Why am I, Philip Greenspun, famous nerd and 200 lb. guzzler of French
pastry, not doing this myself?
For openers, the worst week of my life was spent learning C and
programming an 8051 ($2 washing machine controller) to talk to an IBM
PC. After ten years hacking Lisp Machines, God had finally sent me a
machine commensurate with my abilities.
However, the main reason is that I am busy being president of a
startup company. Bankrupting a business is not as easy as it looks.
Corporations exhibit a propensity for mediocrity that inhibits true
success or failure. Alas, I'll be listening to creditors threaten to
"punch [my] f...king face in" (yes, that's a quote) rather than
munching bonbons with friendly Frenchwomen.
If you are interested, immediately call me at [] or FAX a
resume to []. You can mail a resume to
Philip Greenspun
Head Pimp
[...]
------------------------------------------- 3526---
A woman walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a tattoo
of Elvis on the inside of her thigh. "But it had better be a good one
or I won't pay you", she tell the artist.
"Lady", the artist replies,"I do an excellent Elvis."
1/2 an hour later the tattooist is done.
The woman looks at the tattoo and says "That looks nothing like Elvis"
The Artist disagrees, but offers to try again on the inside of her other
thigh. The woman agrees and 1/2 an hour later she has another Elvis tattoo.
But she ddoesn't like this one either. The tattooist says,"Look I've done
2 good pictures of Elvis and I'll prove it to you. I'll go out on the street
and get someone else to come in here and look and if he doesn't think its
Elvis then you don't have to pay."
The man goes out and grabs the first drunk he sees and brings him inside.
"Look at this woman and tell me who the guy tattooed on her thighs is"
"Well, I don't know how those 2 fellows on the sides are, but that guy in the
middle looks just like Willie Nelson."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
// I am Lono!! // The opinions you express may not necessarily be //
// // my own. //
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
------------------------------------------- 3527---
>From the June, 1988 issue of "Discover"....
_...Among science students Caltech is the capital of retaliation. A
particularly satisfying incident in the early 1970's involved a math
professor who annoyed students by his mechanical, predictable
approach to teaching - his lecture notes were straight from his
book. One student got hold of a device that changed the normal
frequency in an electrical outlet to any desired value. He plugged
the classroom clock into it and, over serveral weeks, upped the
speed -first by 10 percent, then 12.5 percent, then 15 percent.
Each day the frazzled professor raced through the tried-and-true
lecture faster and faster, until finally he was reduced to
fast-forward gibberish.
----------------------------------------------------
A quote from 1988 SF Chronical--
"...the automated office is still in its infancy. More IBM Selectric
typewriters are stolen in a year than word processing computers
sold..."
----------------------------------------------------
Quote from a 1988 "Intel Solutions" -
"Intel's own Board of Directors could not agree on whether to proceed with the
commercial sale of the 4004. Their resistance was underscored by the company's
marketing department which, based on the belief that microprocessors would only
be sold as minicomputer replacements, initially estimated the entire world-wide
market at only a few thousand units per year."
----------------------------------------------------
>From the column, "Skeptical Eye," in DISCOVER magazine,
January 1982.
Not to mention the classic: Counting in octal is just like counting in
decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. -Tom Lehrer
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
-Glaser and Way
----------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------- 3528---
USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW
WHEN IN IRAQ
Akbar khali-kili haftir lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Fekr gabul cardan davat paeh gush divar.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie
down on the floor with my arms above my head and legs
apart.
Shomaeh fem tamomeh oeh gofteh bandeh.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in
your life.
Auto arraregh davateman mano sepaheh-hast.
_ It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in
the trunk of your car.
Fashal-eh tupehman na degat mano goftam cheeshayeh mohema
rajebehkesvarehman.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
country in public.
Khrel, jepaheh maneh va jayeh amerikahey.
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American
spies travelling as reporters.
Balli, balli, balli.
Whatever you say.
Martenier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban.
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ind
begeram.
The water soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
I must have the recipe.
Enjoy!!! PS I didn't write this and don't know who did.
--
Eron
-----------------
! The Jokester !
!---------------!
------------------------------------------- 3529---
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the guys
gets out and goes into the office.
"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
"You must mean two-by-four's" says the clerk.
The guy gets a kind of a blank stare and scratches his head. "Wait a minute,"
he says, "I'll go check."
He goes out to the truck. The window gets rolled down, and there's an animated
conversation. Finally the guy comes back in.
"Yeah," he says, "I meant two-by-fours."
"OK," says the clerk, "how long you want 'em?"
The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh . . . I guess I better go check," he
says.
He goes out to the truck, again. There's another animated conversation.
The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building
a
house".
------------------------------------------- 3530---
Q: What do you call a sadistic Dentist who rides a motorcycle and wears
a black leather jacket?
A: The Leader of the Plaque
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Why didn't they tell jokes in Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long.
----------------------------------------------------
LIVE NOW THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME TO BE DEAD LATER
----------------------------------------------------
ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL,
BUT SOME MUST BE SENT TO SIBERIA.
----------------------------------------------------
"What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
"Election day."
----------------------------------------------------
What would you call Santa's son if he became an elf?
A subordinate Claus.
----------------------------------------------------
What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A dependent Claus.
----------------------------------------------------
Santa noticed that the elves weren't working as hard this year as last so
he told them that the elf who made the most toys could have his beautiful
daughter for one night. What did the elves call his daughter after that?
An incentive Claus.
----------------------------------------------------
I can't believe you are the result of millions of years of evolution.
----------------------------------------------------
SAW THIS ON THE BACK OF A VAN IN ROCHESTER;
CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING
ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN (AFTER I PASSED IT TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVER)
ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Groucho Marx:
I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me.
_-----------------------------------------------------------------
"You can neither win nor lose if you don't run the race"
--Bowie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that
won't.
----------------------------------------------------
A man doesn't become a failure until he is satisfied with being
one.
----------------------------------------------------
One of the most common mistakes is to believe that others know more about
the problem than you do.
----------------------------------------------------
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have
anything
to do with it.
---------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------- 3531---
Saw this on a T shirt awhile back:
"Join the Marines, visit distant and exotic lands, meet new and interesting
peoples, then KILL them"
------------------------------------------- 3532---
A women described that one night, while she and her husband were making love,
she suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it
was he replied 'Be quiet! I'm listening to the cricket.'
*****
When in Melbourne for the filming of Stanley Kramer's 'On the Beach', actress
Ava Gardner thus described Melbourne:
'On the Beach' is a film about the end of the world and I couldn't think of a
better place to film it.
*****
Ernestine Hill (I have no idea who he is apart from this quote) has said that
over many decades the citizens of Darwin fell into two categories - those who
were paid to stay there and those who had no money to leave.
*****
It is understood that if a person has an IQ of less than 10, then they would
not even be able tie their shoelaces. This may explain why Australians wear
thongs.
(Poster's note:- In Australia a thong is a piece of footwear like a sandal,
except that there is only one strap running between the two inner toes and
across diagonally along the top of the foot and with no back ankle strap. This
is why this humble poster was at first confused with references to thongs in
rec.nude as a beach wear item.)
*****
_The definition of an Australian poof is a guy who prefer girls
to beer.
------------------------------------------- 3533---
Whats 5 miles long and goes 2 miles an hour????
A Mexican funeral procession with only one pair of jumper cables!!!!
------------------------------------------- 3534---
What do you get when you cross a colored person and a Jewish Person???
A janitor that owns the building!!!
------------------------------------------- 3535---
Two bulls are standing in snow up to their shoulders. One turns to the other
and says "God damn its cold, I think I'm going back to the barn and slip into
a nice warm Jersey!!"
------------------------------------------- 3536---
Show me a man who does not engage in oral sex, aand I'll show you a man who's
wife/girlfriend I can take away!!
Remember if God had not meant for it to be eaten, he wouldn't have shaped it
like a taco.
------------------------------------------- 3537---
News Bulletin:
Men and Women are not alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:
RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular
basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.
_Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.
HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele-
vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even
try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.
The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the
note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,
and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go
out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's
head...
GARAGES:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things
in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow._
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and,
"I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen
store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.
CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography
classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking
shots.
POLITICS:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up
and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never*
lie.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. Wehn he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he
is there.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
CHEERLEADERS:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of
mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and
blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on
command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at
least six "D" batteries to operate.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
------------------------------------------- 3538---
Heard in 86 on the radio (NPR):
A man who runs an ice-cream parlor in Bethesda MD received a phone call a
few days ago. The caller warned him that he would be robbed that evening,
but that the police had already been informed and would apprehend the thieves
as they left. The caller said that the man should therefore not panic, but
should simply give them the money, and wait for the police.
Sure enough, that evening, a robber appeared, demanded the money in the cash
register, and left. The man calmly gave it to him, waited for the police,
and then, after several minutes, sheepishly called the police to report the
theft.
----------------------------------------------------
LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART
DOESN'T CONSITUTE AN EMERGENCY
ON MY PART.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: On following the proper procedures ...
Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army
was captured on is way through the mountains. All were
courtmartialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a
priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who
excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he
was then executed.
----------------------------------------------------
Police in Miami arrested two men who appeared to be engaged in a drug
transaction. But the dealer had sold the buyer phony cocaine -- which
was paid for in counterfeit money....
...Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, may have violated the rights of a
suspect by attaching a metal colander to his head and connecting the
colander to an office photocopier with metal wires. A message reading
"HE'S LYING" was placed in the copying machine. Each time the interrogators
got an answer they didn't trust, they pushed the copy button -- and out
would come the message. Convinced the jerry-rigged polygraph was accurate,
the suspect confessed.
----------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------- 3539---
In the wake of the recent Miss America pageant, Miss Georgia, a news
reporter, was interviewed. When asked with whom she'd rather meet,
Dan Rather or Dan Quayle, she reportedly answered,
"Dan Quayle. That way I could learn how dumb blondes get ahead."
_(Miss Georgia is herself blonde.)
Yaakov K. (just heard this on the radio this morning)
--------
------------------------------------------- 3540---
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked
if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven
percent responded that they did.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Quote for the Day -- On being Well Rounded
"And every spring, a new graduating class enters the workforce. Some have
a well-rounded view of operating systems, but for many there is
only Unix."
- Gord Campbell, InfoAge editorial, Nov 84
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:
NEW
IMPROVED
Made the old
fashioned way
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Sign in a restaurant:
"We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe
vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and
switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in
place inside.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
NOBODY EVER HAD A RAINBOW WITHOUT A LITTLE RAIN
-----------------------------------------------------------------
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the
home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon
us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only
result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in
turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
agricultural industry._
----------------------------------------------------
Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges
in dealing with people. When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed,
"No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?" the women waiting on him smiled
sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you
understand?"
----------------------------------------------------
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received
the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we
were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
----------------------------------------------------
One women is never happy when she has to wait in line, and people who
try to squeeze in front are a special sore point.
One day a young man at the supermarket stepped up to her just as she
reached the checkout counter. "Mind if I go ahead?" he asked. "I just have
this one can of dog food."
"Goodness, no," she roared, "If you're that hungry,
go right ahead!"
------------------------------------------- 3541---
=========================
3542 Za !zsdsz
Od dejanr 21.09.Pet 00:43 535 chr
---------------------------------------------------
The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the
nearby town for the first time in 30 years. As he's walking down the street
he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky".
Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre,
twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to
the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats
a quicky?" She replys "Twenty dollars, same as in town".
RAMBOB
------------------------------------------- 3542---
Here it is, Laurie,
TAOISM Shit happens
CONFUCIANISM Confucius say "shit happens"
BUDDISM If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
ZEN What is the sound of shit happening
HINDUISM This shit happened before
ISLAM If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
PROTESTANTISM Let shit happen to someone else
CATHOLICISM If shit happens, you deserved it.
JUDAISM Why does shit always happen to us?
Karl
------------------------------------------- 3543---
"I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set,
I go into the other room and read a book."_
--Groucho Marx
1890-1977
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck
stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days the
phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned
upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour !!
----------------------------------------------------
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as
the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate. At one point
she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand,
five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"
Suprisingly,
the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even
chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line
that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE
CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE
APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Said at an atheist funeral.
Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Broadcast blooper of the week
Heard on KABC radio:
"This program was brought to you by the Canadian Government Office of
Terrorism...er, Tourism"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------- 3544---
>From the book "I Think Therefore I Laugh" by John
Allen Paulos:
-------------------------------------
Martha: What did you get for the density of the block, George?
George: Well, it weighed about 17 pounds, and had a volume of about 29 cubic
feet, so I guess the density is .58620689551 pounds per cubic
foot. This_calculator is really swell!
-------------------------------------
A man, who not being certain of an item he reads in the newspaper, buys 100
copies of the paper to reassure himself of its truth.
-------------------------------------
New release: Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the
waiting time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
rate there will soon be a one year wait to get an abortion.
-------------------------------------
A statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high probability
that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later he finds that the
probability
of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now whenever he
flies, he always carries one bomb with him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------- 3545---
OKLAHOMA CITY- Dennis Newton is no Perry Mason.
Newton, 47, was on trial for armed robbery Tuesday when he decided to fire
his lawyer and represent himself.
Assistand District Attorney Larry Jones says Newton did just fine until the
store's manager testified he was the robber.
Newton accused her of lying, and accidently said "I should have blown
your...............head off". He quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was
there."
It only took the jury 20 minutes to convict him. The recommended
sentence...... 30 years.
----------------------------------------------------
I just heard about a group of US tourists who came back from the Soviet Union.
They visited Lenin's Tomb, which is one of the most important monuments in
the Kremlin. Altough the line was long, the foreigners were allowed to go
to the front of the line. As they were allowed to enter, one 20 year old
woman was not allowed to go in because she wore a short sleeved blouse.
(It was in the summer) She couldn't figure out why such a rule
existed.
Later on, she asked her travel guide about the rule, and was told that the
Soviet constitution does not guarantee the right to bare arms.
----------------------------------------------------
Some from the 8th annual Ten-Best Stressed Puns competition:
A man discovered that a blood vessel on his wife's forehead would enlarge
as the barometric pressure fell. He learned soon to predict rainstorms by
observing her weather vein.
---
During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in
Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed
a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", the American said, stiffly.
"I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Natural language research in Antarctica
>From the Wall Street Journal, Dec. 10, 1985_
"Antarctic Life Proves Hard Even for Those Who Love Their
Work"
... How boring is life in the Antarctic? People in one group wintering at the
South Pole in the 1960s watched the film "Cat Ballou" 87 times. People in
another, after tiring of the westerns, Disney features and pornographics films
on hand, spliced the movies together into their own production and adopted a
vocabulary based on their creation that was so strange that relief crews
arriving in the spring could barely understand them.
...
------------------------------------------- 3546---
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
------------------------------------------- 3547---
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING
TO BE A ROTTEN DAY
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out
of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is
George.
Author Unknown ... But Troubled
----------------------
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.
------------------------------------------- 3548---
Old News?
>From "American Anecdotes, Original and Select,"
Boston 1830:
Timothy Dexter, a native of Newburyport, Massachusetts, inquired of some
merchants, whom he knew, how he should dispose of a few hundred dollars.
Willing to hoax him, they answered, "Why, buy a cargo of warming-pans and
send them to the West Indies, to be sure." He bought all the warming-pans
he could find and sent them to a climate where there was every reason to
suppose that ice would be far more acceptable. The warming-pans met with
a rapid sale; the tops being used for strainers and the lower part for dippers,
in the manufacture of molasses._
With the proceeds of this profitable cargo he built a vessel; and being
informed
by the carpenter that wales [i.e., boards] were wanting, he called on an
acquaintance and said, "My head workman sends me word that he wants wales
for the vessel. What does he mean?" "Why, whale bones, to be sure," answered
the man, who, like everybody else, was willing to impose on his stupidity.
Whale bones were accordingly bought; but finding Boston could not furnish
enough, he emptied New York and Philadelphia as well. The ship carpenters,
of course, had a hearty laugh at his expense; but, by a singular turn of
fortune, this blunder also was the means of increasing his wealth. It soon
after became fashionable for ladies to wear stays completely lined with
whalebone;
and as none was to be found in the country, it brought an immense price.
Thus his coffers were filled a second time by his odd speculations.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of Nov 17, 1860.
News What is News
We find the following announcement in a St Louis paper:
A party of gentlemen in Sacramento, California, have been for some time
secretly
experimenting in diamond making. The last mail informs us that the whole
affair blew up, nearly killing J W Underwood, one of the enthusiasts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union Dec 30, 1860
The French Railway companies have made a new regulation, whereby every
passenger
is weighed and charged accordingly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of November 29, 1861
Too Late - A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday
by the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate
in the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day
after the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of July 2, 1861
A Hen Brooding Kittens
A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, a few
days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three kittens!
The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring says
the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that she
has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young felines
are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at her
cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. Petaluma
Journal
-----------------------------------------------------------------_
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of October 31, 1861
Accident in Santa Cruz
At this place, August 15th, William D Farrand was shot in the thigh by the
accidental discharge of his pistol while he was in the act of putting it
in his pocket. The wound is severe.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union for September 13, 1860
A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union for September 11, 1861.
Climate and Surgery
R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who received
a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at the time
could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the day before
- walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be riddled with
bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially recommend our
Sacramento
climate and Sacramento surgery.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Sacramento Daily Union of September 19, 1861
Born Again
The two Albino children now exhibiting in this city are represented to have
been born in Monterey county, of California Indian parents. When they were
exhibited here some five or six months ago they were represented to be natives
of Cuba, and of Cuban parents. It is a scriptural requisition that we all
be "born again;" but this being born in an entirely different and remote
locality, is the exercise of a license never contemplated or provided for
in scriptural times, so far as we are advised.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Nevada Morning Transcript of January 30, 1861
A New Way of Taking Pills
A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and having
no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with small,
hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks will go
far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
>From the Nevada Morning Transcript of February 15, 1861
"Heroine" is perhaps as peculiar a word as any in our language; the two
first letters of it are a male, the three first a female, the four first
a brave man, and the whole word a brave woman.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------- 3549---
This reminds me of (probably came from) a rather famous quote of
Churchill's. He was at a party, and had tied one on
[corrected version]
"Sir, you are drunk"
"And you, Madam, are ugly. But in the morning *I* shall be
sober"
OK, if you like vintage Churchill jokes, here's another that's still
told in political circles (well, I heard it from an MP):
One day when Atlee went into the 'Gents' at the House of Commons,
Churchill was already there using the facilities. When Churchill saw
Atlee come in, he turned away to conceal himself. Atlee said "Really,
Winston, I'm suprised that an ex-Prime Minister should be so shy.
You must have something to hide." "Not at all", said Churchill,
"it's just that whenever you Socialists see something that's big and in
perfect working order you want to nationalise it!".
Regards, "None shall be enslaved by poverty, ignorance or conformity"
David Wright STL, London Road, Harlow, Essex CM17 9NA, UK
------------------------------------------- 3550---
I haven't seen any Steven Wright jokes in a while, so here is a list of bits
and pieces I collected over the last few months. Anybody watching the HBO
special they are advertising on regular TV? I don't have cable, so maybe
someone can post some of his stuff from that show.
Here goes:
----------
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the
evening in eight minutes.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and
four people died.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going
to be up all night.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Having sex with Rachel (his girlfriend) is amazing. It's like going to a
concert -- she yells a lot and throws Frisbees around the room. When she wants
more, she lights a match. We were way up in Canada, hiking and camping and
stuff. I don't know how she did it, but somehow Rachel got poison ivy on her
brain. The only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.
I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So whenever I go to
get my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of
Oreo cookies.
I went to a place to eat that said 'breakfast anytime.' So I ordered French
toast during the renaissance.
If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then
you turned your lights on -- would they do anything?
I bought some powdered water. But I don't know what to add.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
The other day is stuck my car key in my front door by accident, and my house
started up. So I decided it to take it for a ride. A cop pulled me over for
speeding. He asked me where I live. I said "Right here.".
I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys
in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a
child.
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said,
"no, I made a few mistakes."
I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. People ask me where I
live, and I say, "E6". In the corner on the legend it says "1 mile equals
1 mile".
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
"Yesterday, I..... No, that wasn't me..."
I wrote a song but I can't read music so I don't know what it
is.
If it's a penny for your thoughts, and you put your $.02 in, somewhere
someone is making a penny.
I sat next to a blond Chinese girl on the bus who said she was a nymphomaniac
attracted to Jewish cowboys. I said, "Hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein."
I once got caught copying an exam in the back of the class....
I guess the teacher must have heard the Xerox Machine.
I once put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and almost went back
in time.
I have masking tape across my mirrors so I don't get sucked into an
alternate dimension.
I just bought a decaffeinated coffee table. You can't even tell by looking
at it.
I used to work as a parking attendent at logan airport. I parked jets, but I
was fired. I kept locking the keys in them. I had to get them out using a
coat hanger and an 82-foot step-ladder.
When I bought my house there was an electric switch that didn't seem to connect_to anything. So, every once in a while I'd flick it up and down. A couple of
months later I got a letter from a little old lady who lived in Germany,
saying, "Cut it out!".
I bought a house recently, it's on the median strip of a highway. Nice grassy
area. I like it. The only problem is when you leave the driveway, you've got
to be going 55 miles an hour.
The other day I was in court for a traffic ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
said, "Your Honor, who in their right mind would park in
the passing lane?".
I was stopped by the police the other day. The officer said to me, "Don't you
know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?". "Yes." I said, "But I wasn't
planning on being out that long.".
The other day I was thrown out of the theatre for bringing my own food. "The
prices here are outrageous." I screamed. "Besides, I haven't had a good
barbecue in a long time.".
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire
area was gone.
I was walking down the street the other day, and I saw a subliminal advertising
executive *just* for a second.
------------------------------------------- 3551---
Judge: Haven't I seen you before?
Man: Yes, your honor, I taught your daughter how to play the piano.
Judge: Thirty Years!
----------------------------------------------------
"My Uncle is in Leavanworth because he made big money."
"How much?"
"About a third of an inch too big."
----------------------------------------------------
Officer: Are you happy now that you are in the Army?
Soldier: Yes sir!
Officer: What were you before you got into the Army?
Soldier: Much happier!
----------------------------------------------------
The seven ages of a woman are:
Baby, child, girl, young woman, young woman, young
woman, and poised social leader!
----------------------------------------------------
A man is driving along a country road and his car breaks down.
He gets out, opens the hood and looks in confusion at the engine.
About this time a horse wanders up to a near-by fence, leans over and
peaks under the hood. The horse looks up at the man and says
"It's the carburetor."
The man does a quick double-take and replys,
"What did you say?"
"I said it's your carburetor."_
So the man turns and runs away.
Soon he comes upon a farmer and flags him down.
"My car broke down back there and when I opened the hood this horse comes
over and starts TALKING to me!"
"What he say?" the farmer replies calmly.
"He said it was my carburetor!"
So the farmer says, "Don't pay any attention to him, he doesn't know
anything about carburetors."
-----------------------------
Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.
-- Poor Richard's Almanac
------------------------------------------- 3552---
A man who was really drunk calls his wife for a ride home
from the bar.
wife: "Where are you?"
The man steps out of the phonebooth and looks at the corner
where he is calling from, goes back and picks up the phone and says:
"At the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK."
----------------------------------------------------
Once there was a man who went all through college and decided he didn't
like it, so he dropped out to become a trolley car conductor...He loved
the trolley cars...he had loved them since he had been a child in San
Francisco...every day he would watch the trolley cars go up the hill and
down the hill; up the hill and down the hill...and he loved to watch
them...except when old people got on the trolley cars, because they used
to complain about the littlest (sic) things...as the man grew older he
developed a hatred of old people, while retaining his love of trolley
cars.
So it was no surprise that the man, upon dropping out of school, decided
to become a trolley car conductor...he spent his days going up the hill
and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill, ringing the trolley car
bell as he went...UNTIL...one day an old lady got on the trolley car and
demanded change for the money she had put in the vend-o-matic, even though
there was a sign clearly posting that the conductor did not make change...
the conductor refused to make change for her, and this infuriated the old
lady...at this point she began screaming at him and making such a scene
that he lost control and threw her out on the trolley car tracks and ran
over her...needless to say, he was arrested, tried, and found
guilty...
He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, and when the warden came to
ask him what he wanted for his last meal, he responded "a dozen bananas".
The warden was a bit surprised at the request, but honored it and the man
promptly smashed up the bananas and smeared the juice all over his body...
He was then taken to the electric chair and strapped in...ZAP...the
executioner threw the switch, but the man lived...the executioner checked
all the connections and threw the switch again...the man still lived...
the executioner tried a third time, but the man still lived...now at this
time, the law stated that if you didn't die by the third time, it was an
act of God that you were still alive and you were released, so the man went
free...
He returned to his job at the trolley car...(go through the deaths of two
more old people and trials and bananas smashed on bodies and three tries
and man going free from electric chair)...after the man was set free for
the third time, the warden approached him..."Three times you've been
sentenced to die in the electric chair and three times, you've gone free...
tell me why...is it the banana juice that you smear all over your body
before going to the chair??"
The man thought for a moment, and then slowly replied, "No, I don't think
it's the bananas...I guess I'm just a bad conductor..."
----------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------- 3553---
From the Sept. 1990 issue of Shooting Times magazine, page 23, without
permission:
This month's best dumb crook award has to go to a lobster thief.
This sticky-fingered shifty pocketed a couple of live lobsters and ran
from the store. One of the lobsters, however, got nervous when the man
started to run and clamped it's claws on the crooks's testicles.
When the police found him writhing in pain, he was trying to pry
the lobster's claw loose, but wasn't having much luck. A store clerk
with a pair of pliers quickly eased the thief's agony.
When the ambulance arrived, the man was in terrible pain and by
the time he reached the hospital, he had passed out. Surgeons spent
three hours trying to "repair the damage."
The store owner benevolently refused to press chsrges. "The poor
guy has had enough trouble for one day. Just thinking about what
happened to him makes me hurt."
------------------------------------------- 3554---
Apparently an entrepeneur in New Guinea asked the local newspaper to advertise
his auto business. The ad was to read "Cars for Sale". For some reason the
paper posted the ad as "Boats and Cars for Sale". The irate businessman
called up the paper and asked them to run a version with "no fucking boats"
in it. Obligingly the paper printed :
"Cars for Sale and No Fucking Boats".
------------------------------------------- 3555---
OFFENSIVE JOKE TO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE
Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands...
*POW*
Here are a couple of old computer jokes...
Did you hear that Eve was the mother of the computer revolution?
She had an apple in one hand and a wang in the other.
What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?
A fu**ing know-it-all.
And, finally, one of my favorites...
Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
Because she's dead.
------------------------------------------- 3556---
This is all that I have. It appears that some people have a great distaste
for these jokes, but, considering that they are new to me, I think they're
kind of funny. Yes, I do know that these jokes are quite old.. but I'm not.
_ The Semi-Complete Canatonical List of Mommy, Mommy! Jokes
---------------------------------------------------------
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
mom: Shut up, and keep eating!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running in circles!
mom: Shutup, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away?
mom: Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England.
mom: Shut up and keep swimming.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to see daddy again.
mom: Shut up and keep digging.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa now!
mom: Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I'd like to play marbles now!
mom: Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glasseye today!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea
soup!
mom: Keep quiet and eat what is on the table or do you think
I pour Grandpa's vomit through a sieve?
son: Mommy, Mommy, I wanted to lick the bowl this time.
mom: Shaddup and flush.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't know how to play poker.
mom: Shaddup and deal.
son: Mommy, Mommy, can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
mom: Shut up Albert....
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like this spaghetti!
mom: Shutup or I'll rip the veins outta yer other arm!!!
son: Mummy, Mummy, Sally won't come skipping with me.
mom: Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.
son: Mummy, Mummy, what's for dinner?
mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.
son: Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a big
head?
mom: Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of
potatoes at the store.
son: Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a long
nose?
mom: You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the
floor.
son: Mommy, Mommy, what's a vampire?
mom: Shut up, kid, and drink your soup before it clots!
son: Mommy, Mommy, what's a werewolf?_mom: Shut up, kid, and go
comb your face
son: Mommy, mommy, are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
mom: Shut up and get back in the sack!
son: Mommy, Mommy, Why has daddy got his Knob in the bread
bin?
mom: Ignore him son, He's fucking crackers!
son: Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I can't?
mom: Shutup or I'll cut your ears off too!
son: Mommy, mommy, I don't want any more hamburger!
mom: Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder.
son: Mummy, Mummy, I don't like grandma.
mom: Well leave her on the side of your plate then.
son: Mommy, Mommy, Auntie threw up and Sis is getting all of
the BIG pieces!
son: Mommy, Mommy, don't push to the elevator
shAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT!
son: Mommy, Mommy, are you sure this is the right way to cook
Beijing Duck?"
mom: Shuddup and close the microvawe oven door behind you!
son: Mommy, mommy, what's a nymphomaniac?
mom: Shut up kid and help me get granny off the doorknob.
son: Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm?
mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.
daughter: Daddy daddy what is queer?
dad: Shuddap and unhook my bra.
daughter: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like
Daddy's between my legs?
mom: You will when you're older, dear!
- Mommy! Mommy! I don't wanna see grandpa!
- Shut up, and keep digging.
- Mommy Mommy! I'm getting dizzy!
- Shutup, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
- Mommy Mommy! I hate daddy!
- Shaddup, and keep eating.
- Did you hear about the new german microwave?
- It seats 6.
Now, I know that this cannot be all of them, considering how some have grumped
about the age of these jokes. So, if anyone can think of any others, please
post them!
------------------------------------------- 3557---
It is a well know fact that;
as the limit of brains mutliplied by beauty approaches infinity,
availability_approaches zero.
This has been proved time and time again, and is also backed up by another
theory:
Brains is inversely proportional to beauty.
Which shows that there isn't a snow balls hope in Hell that you will find
a beatiful female with brains.
But I am not your usual male, I have managed to find 3 beautiful young women
and they all have brains.
From
ULTRAMAN.
------------------------------------------- 3558---
why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
he slipped.
why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
monkey see, monkey do.
why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
peer pressure.
------------------------------------------- 3559---
Negde u jesen 1941. portpaju silnu Italijansku vojsku u borove i
plove dugo, dugo, da negde ratuju, pojma nemaju gde. cim su
pristali potrpace ih u kamione zatvorene ciradama i tako se vojska
vozi ko zna gde dan, dva. Po¦etkom treíeg dana jedan vojnik, ne
mogavci vice da izdrsi neizvesnost gde ih vode, podise malo ciradu
kamiona i ugledavci pored puta jednu tablu izbezumnjeno povika:
"Mama mia: KYMAHOBO, Afrika íentrale!".
P.S. Ustvari, ugledao je tablu sa natpisom KUMANOVO, íirilicom.
------------------------------------------- 3563---
- Ej Mujo, jesi li cuo da Haso zivi sa majkom?
- Jok ja. A jel imaju dece ?
------------------------------------------- 3748---
Igrali momak i devojka valcer.U pola igre momak joj
rece: - Hajde okreci malo u drugu stranu.
- Sto ? Da ti se nije zavrtelo u glavi?
- Ne.Odsrafila mi se noga.
------------------------------------------- 3765---
Za vreme rucka sin se obraca majci:
- Ali mama,meni se nas novi bata nesvidja.
- Cuti i jedi!
------------------------------------------- 3766---
uhapsili violinistu. svake noci ga bude da prizna:
-za koga radis?
-za orkestar
-kakvi su ti to papiri?
-muzicki
-kakvi su to znaci?
-note
-ko ti je to dao?
-dirigent
-ko je to napisao?
-mocart
(ili se pise motzhardt?)
-kojoj organizaciji pripada taj tvoj orkestar?
-filharmoniji
pa onda ispocetka. ponude mu ponekad da potpise zapisnik, gde pise
da je priznao da pripada tajnoj spijunskoj grupi "orkestar" kojom
rukovodi nepoznati terorista poznat kao "dirigent", da je uhvacen
kako nosi tajne spise pisane tajnim pismom zvanim "note", ciji je
autor poznat pod ilegalnim imenom "mocart" itd.
jedne noci bude ga opet i kazu
-ajde priznaj, i mocart je priznao!
--------------------------------
-je lji, miljisav, ko nam je predsednik od republjik?
-pa sloba
-a,nece dugo, ima secer
-posle njega onda dode draskovic
-ljecite coveka bre, ce da vam umre!
--------------------------------
lala u kladnju. svi spremili kanistere, burad, balone, a lala samo
soljicu za kafu. pitaju ga
-lalo, da ti ne bude mnogo?
-ja bas ni ne mislim da jebem, ja bi samo da onako malo podjebavam
sa strane.
-------------------------------
ponovo onaj legendarni zec bezi preko drine. pita ga skeledzija
-sta je, opet stroje bikove?
-jok more, jure jednog zeca zbog ubistva. poznace ga po tome sto
ima tri jajeta.
-pa to mogu lako da provere.
-to i rade: vade i broje.
-------------------------------
ovaj mora na engleskom, zbog igre:
jesus on the cross. people ask him "hey, man, what are you doing
up there?" - "oh, nothing special, just hanging arround".
a ovaj je na meksickom
ay, amigo, i keel you for feefteen dawlars, but yoo are my
friend, i keel yoo for nutting!
ili u duzoj verziji
-duz yoo knows pedro el bandido?
-ooh, yeea, weer beeg friends, wee lunch togeder every day!
-oh, how come? i don' beleeve yoo!
-ooh,yeea, like yesterday, there goes pedro el bandido and there
goes mee. he has ay gun, but i has no gun. so he says "ombre,
shit and eat!". but today, i has ay gun, and heer comes pedro el
bandido weeth no gun... weer beeg muchachos, i tells yoo, wee
lunch togeder every day!
(ne znam na sta lici ovako napisano, takva je bar notacija u MADu
kad prave stripove na racun spageti vesterna. BTW, ako bi se
pravio vestern o nama, kako bi se zvao? skljbord vestern?)
------------------------
-perice, kazi jednu prostu recenicu
-krava prdi
-kako !!?!?!?
-pffrffffzzrzztttrtztrfztfztr... (zvuk cete morati sami)
---------------------------
so much for today from DrGunny of MP_A/Zrenjanin
------------------------------------------- 3890---
Razgovaraju buldog ispred zgrade i vucjak na terasi.
- Sidi dole da se igramo!
- Ne mogu. Zakljucan sam._
- Pa skoci onda!
- Necu da imam nos kao ti!
------------------------------------------- 3896---
Krenuli Mujo i Hasa na maskenbal, pa Muja pita Hasu:
-Jel', bolan, Haso sta ce ti ta cackalica u dupetu?
A Haso odgovara:
-To sam se ja, bolan, maskir'o u rahatluk.
------------------------------------------- 3903---
American beer is like making love in a canoe.
(It is fucking close to water.)
------------------------------------------- 3955---
Izgubio Mujo babov sat pa 'ode kod 'ode, ne bi li mu ovaj, sa minareta,
razglasio da ako ga neko nade, nek' ga donese.
Pope se 'oda na minaret pa poce da vice:
- Mujo izgubio sat ! Ako ga nade kogod od pravovjernih, neka da donese u
damiju. Ako ga nade neko od katolika nek' ostavi pred damijom. A bude li
nas'o neko od pravoslavni'....ma onda ja ovo daba vik'o...
------------------------------------------- 3966---
Aforizmi Stanislava Jezi Leca
---------------------------------------------------------
* Urlicite. Osjetite se mladi za milione godina.
* Moguce je nekog osuditi na zaborav ali presudu treba treba izvrsiti
nad onima koji pamte.
* Zivot ne stoji lepo svakom.
* Ljudozder ne prezire coveka.
* Besmislenost ubija. Druge.
* Svi bogovi su BILI besmrtni.
* U borbi ideja ginu ljudi.
* Treba imati mnogo strpljenja da bi se njemu naucilo.
* Imao je sarolik zivot. Menjao je zastave.
* Jao, ako glava onoga kome tapsu padne medu ruke onih sto tapsu.
* Strasno je plivati po prljavoj reci uzvodno.
* Opstenje s kepecima deformise kicmu.
* Lakoverni - kakva grozna sekta.
* Ljudi stovani kao bogovi gube, tokom vremena, svoje ljudske
osobine.
* Treba se prema svima odnositi kao prema ljudima. S jednakom
okrutnoscu.
_
------------------------------------------- 3967---
Rekla uciteljica ucenicima da svako donese neki kucni
aparat.
Sutra i gleda.Neko doneo peglu,neko ves masinu ili sta
li vec a kada dodje do Pericine klupe upita ga:
- A sta je ovo Perice?
- Aparat za vestacko disanje.
- A odakle ti to?
- Uzeo sam od dede.
- Pa sta je deda rekao?
- Aghhhhh!
------------------------------------------- 4042---
Ulazi zena u gradski autobus na prednja vrata i pita sofera:
e li majstore moze li ovde da se pusi?
-Moze ako ti nesmeta volan.
------------------------------------------- 4487---
Kako se na latinskom kaze jeben u mozak???????
------------------------------------------- 4589---
Mujo i Haso kupili na sajmu kravu koja daje mlijeka taman koliko i vode
popije. Vode tako kravu kuci i putem naidu na neku ovecu baru. Pomisle oni sto
da cekaju da stignu kuci da bi isprobali kravu, odvedu je oni odmah do te bare.
Uze Mujo kravi gnjuriti glavu pod vodu dok je Haso muze... Prode tako par
minuta
i... nista. Odjednom, krava poskoci i valjda od muke, sta li, isere ovece
govno!
Skoci Haso k'o opaljen i stane vikati na Muju:
- Bolan Mujo, podigni joj malo glavu, vidis da je povukla mulj!
------------------------------------------- 4622---
REM:Pirot
* Po cemu se prepoznaje pirocjansko dvoriste?
- Suse WC papir na zici za ves.
REM:Crnjak
* Kako pirocjanci sahranjuju svoje mrtve?
- Zakopaju ga do pola pa ga prekrece, umesto spomenika.
REM:Crnjak II
* A zasto ga okrecu sa nogama nagore?
- Sluzi im da parkiraju bicikle.
________________________
Skupilo se pleme Cejena da se raspitaju kod vraca kakva ce biti
zima, a on uze gomilu koski, baci ih u vazduh pa, kad ove padose na
zemlju zagleda se u njih i rece:
- Bice vrlo hladna zima._
Rastrce se Cejeni po planini skupljajuci drva celu jesen, pa kad
dodje zima, a ona blaga i topla a pleme trc' kod vraca...
- Slusaj ti glupaku, celu jesen skupljamo drva po planini
gore-dole, a zima ne moz' biti bolja. Nemoj ovo da ti se desi
jos jednom ima ledja da ti polomimo...
Prodje godinu dana, dodje jesen pa Cejeni ponovo kod vraca...
- Kazi vracu, kakva ce biti zima?
A vrac opet koske u vazduh,duboko misaoni pogled u doticne, i
rece:
- Bice vrlo hladna zima.
Cejeni u planine po drva a zima opet blaga.Skupe se oni na
vecanje pa posle dugo vremena poglavica kaze:
- Star si covek mozda te je moc napustila, ali pruzicu ti
jos jednu sansu. Ako i sledece zime pogresis obesicu te
u sred sela za noge.
Dodje ponovo jesen, a vrac uprti zavezljaj na ledja pa sidje sa
planine u grad. Pravo u meteorolosku stanica pa zapita:
- Kazi ti meni kakva ce biti zima ove godine?
A ovaj odgovori:
- Nikad gora, duga i hladna.
Vrac ga pogleda sumnjivo,pa upita
- Jel, a kako znas?
- Pa eno Cejeni vec dve godine vuku drva. Duga i hladna...
------------------------------------------- 4875---
SCENA I.
(Plavo nebo, zatalasano more, Atlantik 1942 god.,putnicki brod)
Kapetanu javljaju da ce za tri minuta da ih udari torpedo.
Kapetan pozove madjionicara i rece mu:
- Slusaj, mozes li ti da kazes putnicima da ce da nas udari
torpedo, ali tako da ne izazoves paniku?
- Nema problema - odgovori ovaj.
Ode madjionicar okupi putnike i rece im:
- Sad cu da izvadim patku i kad tri puta udarim njome o sto
brod ce da odleti u vazduh.
Putnici u smeh (vidi budale, trikovi itd.), a madjionicar tako
i uradi:
Izvadi patku tri puta o sto - bam...bam...boooom !!! -brod ode u vazduh.
_SCENA II.
(Isto kao i prva... plavo nebo, zatalasano more,splav na Atlantiku)
Kapetan i tri mornara drze se na splavu,iscepani i pocrneli...
- Joj, kad se docepam kopna, pa kad u'vatim onog madjionicara,
ima sve kosti da mu polomim! - rece kapetan.
- A sto bre, pa nije ti on kriv? - zapita jedan mornar.
- Kako nije kriv, - dreknu kapetan -
pa torpedo nas je promasio !!!
------------------------
Zaratile dve sume i pocela regrutacija. Zeka, sta ce - kud' ce,
odsece sebi usi i ode.
- Sta bi zeko?
- Lovna sezona, odsekose mi usi.
- Zao mi je, zeko, ne mozes da osluskujes neprijatelja - ne
ides u vojsku.
Lisica, na istu foru, odsece sebi rep.
- Sta bi, lijo?
- Lovna sezona skratise me za rep.
- Zao mi je, lijo, ne mozes da metes trag za sobom - ne ides
u vojsku.
Dodje red na medu, a on, nemajuci sta drugo, odsece sebi jaja.
- Sta ti se desilo, medo?
- Jebi ga, cack'o mecku i odose jaja.
- E, jadnice, ionako ne ides u vojsku - imas ravne tabane.
------------------------------------------- 4876---
- Zasto je Bosanac seksi?
- Zato sto je glup ko kurac.
------------------------------------------- 5017---
Razgovaraju tri kauboja, jedan ima 20, drugi 40, treci 60 godina.
Kaze dvadesetogodisnji: "Kad pucnem prstima meni se odmah digne. Cim
zviznem, opet se spusti." Nisu mu verovali dok im nije i pokazao.
Cetrdesetogodisnji kauboj se malo snebivao, ali na kraju pucnu prstima i
odmah mu se digne. Zvizne i odmah mu se spusti. Sezdesetogodosnjak se
dugo snebivao pre nego sto i on pucnu prstima. Zatim pucne jos jednom, a
onda munjevito potegne revolver i uperi ga u drugu dvojicu: "Nemoj neko
da je zviznuo!".
------------------------------------------- 5018---
U sumrak, vozila zena auto i onako umorna pregazi jednu macku.
Sta da radi, zaustavi auto, izadje iz kola, pogleda levo, po-
gleda desno, kad vidi na jednom brezuljku kuca, gore svetla u
kuci. Verovatno ima nekog, pomisli zena.
Dodje ona do vrata, pokuca i otvori joj neki covek.
- Dobar dan, izvinite ja sam vozila auto i
slucajno sam pregazila macku. Da li je to
vasa macka?
- Jao, pa neznam, a kako izgleda ta macka?
- Pa onako spljosteno, uljepljeno krvlju, creva
na sve strane...
- Ne pitam vas kako sada izgleda , nego kako je
izgledala pre nego ste je udarili?
- Ovako: aiiiiiiiiiiiii (zvuk prestrasene macke,
razrogacenih ociju, i podignutih sapa).
------------------------------------------- 5176---
Udje covek u restoran i naruci pljeskavicu. Stigne pljeskavica puna
dlaka. Covek zove kelnera i protestvuje. Kelner kaze: "znam, kriv
je kuvar, ali molim vas podjite samnom da vidite i sve ce vam biti
jasno". Povede kelner coveka u kuhinju a tamo kuvar koji nema jednu
ruku preostalom rukom gnjeci meso i onda baci meso na maljave grudi
i tako pravi pljeskavicu." Na to ce covek: "Da, potpuno mi je
jasno. Dobro da nisam narucio punjene paprike!"
------------------------------------------- 5228---
Jednom perici majka pre nego sto su trebali da dodju gosti rekla da skloni
papagaja na neko mesto sto dalje od gostiju da ih ne bi vredjao. Perica se dugo
razmisljao i naposletku smesti papagaja (zivog) u zamrzivac. Majka onako u
zurbi ne upita Pericu gde ga je stavio vec kada dodjose gosti, onako mahinalno
otvori zamrzivac i prodera se :"Sta je ovo ovde" "P..... ti m....... zar ne
vidis :PINGVIN" odgovori smrznuti papagaj...
----------------------------------------------------
Dva glupa amera jela su njihove hamburgere u nekom smrdljivom bifeu. Najednom
jedan rece:"Znas meni se veoma dopada francuska hrana"- "I meni ali sa puno
kecapa " odgovori drugi...
------------------------------------------- 5266---
Emisija tacno u podne 10.21.90
"Komunizam su po svemu sudeci izmislili politicari-da su to bili naucnici
isprobali bi to prvo na misevima"
------------------------------------------- 5368---
Mujo i Haso na tuistickoj turi po Spaniji odluce da jednom vide i
poznatu atrakciju, koridu. Dodju oni, sednu, pa nezadovoljan Mujo
rece: "Vidi onog klovna sto mase onom crvenom krpom, vec mi je
dosdio, pa kada ce vec jednom da pocne prava predstava". Cuju ih
egzaltirani Spanci, pa se naljute, i poslase Muju u arenu jer, ako
toreador nista ne valja, sigurno Muja zna bolje. Mujo jadan, ne ide
mu se ali sila boga ne moli, pa ga gurnuse u arenu. Bik se
narogusi, pojuri na Muju, a Muja jadan skamenjen od straha ne moze
ni da se pomeri. Ali odjednom bik padne, Mujo mu pritrci, zamahne
macem i ubije ga. Na to odusevljena publika pocne da vice "Muja,
Muja, .....". Vraca se Mujo sav razdragan, i pita ga Haso:" Bolan
Mujo, kako li ti je samo bilo u areni, da sam ja bio tamo ja bih se
bre usro od straha." Na to ce Mujo:" E budalo pa sta mislis na sta
je bik sklizno."
------------------------------------------- 5385---
Sastanu se Franjo Tudjman i Vuk Draskovic na pregovore izmedju 2
nezavisne drzave. Pocnu oni pregovore, kad se odjednom Franji
Tudjmanu jako pri.... (ide mu se u WC), i on ode. Posto je obavio
stvar vide da nema vode u WC-u, pa mu pade ideja, i zahteva on da
se sa Vukom sastane u cetiri oka. Kaze on Vuku D. tada: "Znas Vuce
zakaj mi nesto ne funkcionira tekucina u WC-u, pa ako pojedes govno
dacu ti milijardu USD". Vuk razmislja sta ce, ali milijarda je
milijarda, pa pojede govno. Franjo T. vide da je izgubio milijardu
USD pa ne zna kako ce sada pred pucanstvo, ali sta da radi. Nastave
oni dalje, kad sada se Vuku D. pri.... (WC). Ode on i tako radeci
odredjenu stvar razmislja:" Jeste da sam dobio milijardu USD, ali
kada se Franjo pohvali, ubice me ovi iz Srbije sto sam ih
osramotio". Zato vrativsi se rece:"Franjo, ako pojedes govno, dacu
ti milijardu USD". Franjo T. to jedva doceka, pa brze bolje pojede
govno. Posle nekog vremena pisu zajednicki izvestaj za stampu
(tisak), pa sta da napisu jadni, kad se seti Franjo T: "Jeste da
smo pojeli obojica govna, ali smo bar napravili promet".
Sutradan u novinama saopstenje:" U obe drzave javlja se
tendencija daljeg rasta proizvodnje, i slobodna konkurencija
kapitala, novca, novi razvojni projekti,...... sto rezultuje
povecanjem ukupnog prometa u prvih 6 meseci, izmedju ove 2 zemlje
na 2 milijarde dolara, a ocekuje se i dalji rast."
------------------------------------------- 5386---
Ovo je navodno istinit dogadjaj (desio se prosle godine):
Prodaje Srbin prasice na pijaci u nekom Hrvatskom gradu, i pita ga
neki kupac Hrvat:"Posto ti je ovaj Slobodan Milosevic"
"Hiljadu Suvara" - odgovara ovaj.
------------------------------------------- 5498---
Zaustavlja milicioner vozaca kamiona:
"Pobogu bre nemas zmigavce, pa kako to vozis tako neoprezno"
"Druze ne sekiram se ja sto sam izgubio zmigavce, vec se sekiram
sto sam prethodno izgubio celu prikolicu".
------------------------------------------- 5499---
Dolazi covek u posetu prijateljima, i vidi da im dete pa rece:
"Ovo dete ce nekad biti jako veliki politicar". Cude se oni otkud
on to zakljucuje pa ga pitaju:" Pa otkud to znate, kada nije jos
navrsilo ni 3 godine."
"To se odmah vidi, kad se.e (onog trenutka kada je on dosao dete je
sedelo na nosi), u oci me gleda".
------------------------------------------- 5500---
Dolazi Gebels posle smrti kod svetog Petra, i sveti Petar ga
pita: "Dobro razmisli gde ces, pokazacu ti pakao i raj, pa ti sam
odluci gde ces, ali zapamti posle toga nema ti kajanja."
Prvo ga odvede u raj, i vidi Gebels ljude kako klece i mole se
bogu, u jedostavnoj odeci, mrsavi i izgladneli, dok druga grupa
isto tako mrsavih naporno radi na obliznjem polju.
Zatim ga odvede u pakao, a tu svi u raskosnoj odeci puni nakita
i para, provode vreme u zabavama, kocki, alkoholu,...
Bez razmisljanja Gebels rece:" Pa jasno da cu u pakao". "Dobro,
sam si odlucio", rece sveti Petar, okuje ga i baci ga u kazan pun
kljucalog ulja. "Ali kako, pa ja sam rekao da idem u pakao, ovo je
nesporazum" pun ocajanja i vristeci od bola rece Gebels. Na to
sveti Petar rece:"Ja ti nisam kriv, sam si izricito izabrao pakao,
pa se sada przi u kazanu". "Ali cekajte, gde je onaj pakao, sa
lepim zenama,...". "Pa covece, valjda si bre nekad cuo za reci
propaganda, reklama i marketing, a ako nisi nisam ti ja kriv" -
odmah ga prekine sveti Petar, i ode dalje.
------------------------------------------- 5519---
Dolazi Gebels posle smrti kod svetog Petra, i sveti Petar ga
pita: "Dobro razmisli gde ces, pokazacu ti pakao i raj, pa ti sam
odluci gde ces, ali zapamti posle toga nema ti kajanja."
Prvo ga odvede u raj, i vidi Gebels ljude kako klece i mole se
bogu, u jedostavnoj odeci, mrsavi i izgladneli, dok druga grupa
isto tako mrsavih naporno radi na obliznjem polju.
Zatim ga odvede u pakao, a tu svi u raskosnoj odeci puni nakita
i para, provode vreme u zabavama, kocki, alkoholu,...
Bez razmisljanja Gebels rece:" Pa jasno da cu u pakao". "Dobro,
sam si odlucio", rece sveti Petar, okuje ga i baci ga u kazan pun
kljucalog ulja. "Ali kako, pa ja sam rekao da idem u pakao, ovo je
nesporazum" pun ocajanja i vristeci od bola rece Gebels. Na to
sveti Petar rece:"Ja ti nisam kriv, sam si izricito izabrao pakao,
pa se sada przi u kazanu". "Ali cekajte, gde je onaj pakao, sa
lepim zenama,...". "Pa covece, valjda si bre nekad cuo za reci
propaganda, reklama i marketing, a ako nisi nisam ti ja kriv" -
odmah ga prekine sveti Petar, i ode dalje.
------------------------------------------- 5519---
Stopira Mujo na njemackoj autocesti, zaustavi se Fritz sa Meckom i
kamp kucicom i pita ga kuda zeli. Muji se pravi nevjest i kaze da ne
zna kuda bi, pa mulja nesto i Fritz pomisli:"Eh, blesavi Balkanac,
hajde da ga malo zajebavam !"
Tako on Muju nasadjivao, a vrhunac bi kad Mujo zatrazi vatre, a Fritz
ukljuci svjetla i kaze mu neka pripali na staklu njegovog fara.
Mujo se sagne, navlaci li, navlaci cigaretu i pokusava "pripaliti"
ali mu nekako ne ide. Pri tom kroz zube protiskuje:"Bolan, Haso,
hoces li vec jednom otkaciti tu kamp kucicu ili neces ? Hoces da me
pregazi ova protuha svapska ???"
____________________________________________________
... podsjeti me onaj mifkov "navodno istinit dogadjaj od prosle
godine":
U Saveznoj Skupstini vodi se debata o tome kako nazvati novu
jugoslavensku valutu i, normalno, prevladavaju nacionalni osjecaji.
SLovenac hoce da se zove "Triglav", jer je Triglav najveci. Hrvat hoce
da bude "Hrvat" jer su Hrvati najkulturniji (tisucljeca itd) a Srbin
da se zove "Srbin", jer, eto, Srba ima najvise pa bi to bilo u redu.
Slovenac i Hrvat se odmah, zacudo, slozise, i bi konvertibilni
Srbin.
Cudili se Srbi otkud odjednom takvo suglasje u stavovima, pa zapitali
hrvatske delegate zasto su pristali da se nova valuta tako zove, a
jedan iz Hrvatske kaze:"Je, pa to bu cist' fino, kad vu Zagrebu
budem za kilu kruha daval milijun Srba, kaj ne ?"
_____________________________________________________
Moze biti da sam ovaj vic bas ja vec poslao na Sezam, ali za svaki
slucaj evo ga:
Posljednje rijeci zabiljezene u "crnoj kutiji" aviona koji se srusio
i u kojem je izmedju ostalih tragicno poginuo drug Dzemal Bijedic:
Dzemal Bijedic:" Daj da malo ja vozim !"
_____________________________________________________
"Navodno" posljednji trenuci zivota naseg dragog bivseg Predsjednika,
druga Josipa Broza:
scena: bolesnicka soba KBC-a u Ljubljani
akteri: Josip Broz, na aparatima za dijalizu i umjetnim plucima
Stane Dolanc, slovenski/jugoslavenski politicar
Stane Dolanc: Druze, pa ti se gusis ! Reci sto ti je ! Ne mozes reci
? Evo, onda napisi ! (pruza mu papir i "Parkericu").
_Tito (zapisuje): Stane, mrcino debela, makni se sa cijevi za dovod
kisika !!! Udavit ces me !!! *##*#()(*)(#$) (dalje je nerazumljivo).
------------------------------------------- 5598---
Mujo & Haso again:
Odlucio Mujo da vikendima putuje u Minhen. Jednog petka sjedne u
auto, zajedno sa Hasom i uputi se u Minhen. Na ulasku u grad svrati na
benzinsku stanicu i umjesto benzina zamoli da mu natoce vodu u rezervoar.
Iako iznenadjen, radnik mu natoci vodu. Mujo izvadi iz dzepa kutiju nekih
tableta i jednu tabletu ubaci u rezervoar. Zatim sjedne u auto i velikom
brzinom odjuri.
Iduceg petka ucini isto.
Kad je odjurio, radnik na benzinskoj stanici nazove svoga direktora
i isprica mu o covjeku kojemu vec drugi put ulijeva vodu u rezervoar, a
zatim u tu vodu stavlja nekakvu tabletu i bez rijeci odjuri prema gradu.
Direktora je zainteresirala ova prica, pa je odlucio da pricu
provjeri i saceka Muju iduceg petka.
Iduceg petka eto opet Muje i Hase ! Ponovila se ista procedura:
voda + tableta -> rezervoar. Pali Mujo automobil i zeli krenuti kad ga
zaustavi direktor.
- Oprostite - rece direktor - zanima me imate li jos tih tableta sto
ih stavljate u vodu ?
- Imam - rece Mujo i izvadi kutiju.
- Biste li nam te tablete htjeli prodati ?
- Ne bih.
- Ali dao bi vam za njih miljun maraka ! - uporno ce direktor.
- Nema sanse da ih prodam ni za dva miljuna - odgovori Mujo.
- A tri miljuna maraka u kesu ? - neda se direktor.
Mujo pogleda Hasu, izvadi kutiju s tableatama i pruzi je direktoru.
Direktor mu izbroji tri miljuna maraka i Mujo ode. Vozi Mujo stotinjak
kilometara, kad ce Haso:
- Proda ti one tablete ?
- Proda.
- Pa kako ces dalje voziti bez njih ?
- Budalo, kao i dosad - na plin !
Jes da je cudan, ali eto ...
------------------------------------------- 5607---
Zasto su Mujo i Haso dobili kilu u vojsci?
Rekao im staresina da dignu tenk u vazduh!
------------------------------------------- 5897---
* Jezicke nedoumice :)
T H E I T A L I A N W H O W E N T T O M A L T A
( must be read with an Italian accent )
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat
brekfeast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me
only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you
better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the
lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a
spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me
everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on
the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma
bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits on my
bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you
better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you".
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
------------------------------------------- 5956---
Znate sta znaci SPS?
------------------------------------------- 6265---
Sve Po Starom
------------------------------------------- 6266---
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent
on seeing the Pope. There he was stood in a big long queue with
a rather expensive suit on - hoping the Pope would notice how
smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right
passed the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped
next to a tramp, leaned over and whispered something in the tramp's
ear, and made his way on again.
This pisses-off the American and so agrees to pay 1000 dollars to
the tramp in exchange for his suit, in the hope that the Pope will
speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American is stood in the queue, waiting to see
the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making
his way slowly up to the American, and when he finally reached him,
leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his hear, saying:
"I thought I told you to fuck off."
------------------------------------------- 6436---
Q: What's the oldest airline company?
A: FINNAIR: when Jesus went to heaven, He didn't ascend on a cloud,
He just vanished in FINNAIR.
==========================
Gladstone: "You will either be shot for treason, or die of a grievous
disease!"
Disraeli: "That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your morals or your
mistress!"
==========================
mail write !zsdsz
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prarie one day. The Lone
Ranger, says to Tonto: "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this
mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says
to the Lone Ranger "Buffalo come." the Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do
you know?", Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
_==========================
One day, Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the
tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in
the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and
chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
the fairway and heads for the watertrap. But just before it falls into
the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish
is falling back down to the water, and eagle swoops down and grabs the
fish in its claws. The eagle flies off, and when it is over the green,
a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and hits the eagle. Startled, the
eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to
the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop screwing around, we won't
bring you next time."
------------------------------------------- 6437---
A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just
congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to
hand. The mother looked startled. The doctor then said
"Here catch."
And promptly tossed the baby to the mother, but it landed on the window
ledge and fell out the window. The lady shrieked and said,
"You bastard, you've killed my baby!"
The doctor replied:
"April Fool, it was dead already!"
==========================
How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg?
None. It fell down the stairs.
==========================
The Pope is on his 1988 tour of America, in the middle of his 3 day bash in
New York. On the second day, he is driving back to his motel after a heavy
days bible bashing. It suddenly occurs to him that he is a little peckish
and so he decides to go for something to eat. Out of the corner of his eye
he notices 'Mel's Diner' and immediately pulls over. He hops out, kisses
the ground a couple of times and then goes in and sits down.
A sleazy waitress wanders over, notices who he is and then straightens
herself up.
"Yes you Holiness, what would you like?"
The Pope thought for a while.
"Well daughter, I have this terrible craving for a nice steak."
"Sure Mac, er I mean of course your Holiness. Would you like it well done,
medium or rare?"
"Oh. I think I'd like a very rare one please."
The waitress raised her arm.
"One bloody steak, Mel!" she shouted.
The Pope was horrified.
"Oh no my daughter, you musn't swear. There is no call for it!"
"But you don't understand, father, bloody describes how you will get the
steak. Very rare."
The Pope smiled.
"I understand. How stupid of me."_A little later, the Pope's steak arrived and he got stuck in. It was
gorgeous and he went to bed that night feeling satiated.
The next day, the Pope had had an even bigger God-squading session and was
helped by 31 of his cardinals. Afterwards, he called his cardinals together.
"Right Lads, as you've done a really good job today, I'll treat you to a
bit of nosh at this place I know. You'll like it I'm sure".
So the Pope took his cardinals to the diner and sat down. He called to
the waitress.
"Can I have 32 bloody steaks please!"
Immediately one of the cardinals slapped his knee...
"Hey yeah! And plenty of fucking chips okay? "
==========================
Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites
Jim's prick! AAIIIIIII!! He panics, and John panics. What can we do?
We should call for a doctor.
WHAMMM ! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone
box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor.
RING, RING. RING, RING.
J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do?
D: What kind of snake?
J: A one meter, green-yellow one.
D: Aye, aye.
J: ?
D: Those are very dangerous.
J: What can we do?
D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise
your friend will be dead within half an hour.
Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking
already, asks what the doctor said.
Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.
=========================
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?
Ring him up while he's ironing.
------------------------------------------- 6438---
There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went
to see the Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be
your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well,
actually, i only eat peas, i hate all other green foods". The doctor
was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all
those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them
up!!". The guy says "But how long for, i mean i really like peas!"
and the doctor replies "Forever, i'm afraid". The man is quite
shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition
improves, so he realises that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway,
one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and
getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says "Well, ashully, i'd
love a cigarrette, cozi avint ad a smoke in four years, i gave it up".
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, i haven't had a
game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so i
gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, i haven't ad a
pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "Ok, everyone who
can't swim, grab a table...."
==========================
Q: Which is the odd one out - a baked bean, a soya bean or a vibrator?
A: The baked bean - the other two are meat substitutes!
------------------------------------------- 6439---
As a little girl is coming out of school, a man pulls up in his car, winds
down the window and says to her
"I'll give you a sweet if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The next day the man pulls up again, winds down the window and
says
"I'll give you two sweets if you'll get in the car with me."
The little girl says "No, I not getting in the car."
The third day the man pulls up and offers her a whole bag of sweets if she
will get into the car.
"No Dad", replies the girl, "There's no way I'm getting into
the Lada!"
==========================
Q. What is long, hard, and carries seamen?
A. A submarine.
==========================
"Don't cry darling, Daddy had to drown the cat."
"Yes I know, but he promised I could do it."
==========================
On the wall of the women's restroom in the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before."
==========================
Dear Son,
I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast.
There are a few things happening here at home. We don't live where we did
when you left -- you're father read in the paper that most car accidents happen
within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
address because we moved into your cousins old house and they took the numbers
with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
The new place has a washing machine! It's in a small room that also has a
shower in it. The first day, I put four shirts in. I pressed the lever and I
haven't seen them since.
The weather is nice here. It rained twice this week. Three days the first
time and four days the second time.
Remember that coat you wanted me to send you? Well, your aunt said that it
would be too heavy to send in the mail, so we cut the buttons off and put them
in the pocket.
Monday we got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the
last payment on Grandma's funeral ... up she comes ...
Your father has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's
cutting grass at the cemetery.
Your brother's wife had a baby this morning. We don't know whether it's a
boy or a girl, so we don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle fell in the whiskey vat and drowned. We cremated him. He burned
for 3 days.
Last week 3 of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was
driving and the other two were riding in the back. The driver rolled down the_window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the
tailgate down.
Not much else. Write more often.
Love,
Mom
P.S. -- We would have sent money, but the envelope was already
sealed.
------------------------------------------- 6440---
N Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the
old one is _really_ worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy
Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them,
you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics
to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register
your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist
and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycle, you don't have to apoligize
before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
------------------------------------------- 6441---
Q. What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
A. Yoghurt has a real live culture.
==========================
_ There is a man in a casino gambling with lots of "borrowed" money and a
fairy comes and sits on his shoulder. He's playing pontoon and gets dealt a
seven. The fairy advises him to buy a card for 500 pounds. Naturally he doesn't
trust the fairy, but he decides to buy one anyway. He gets a five giving him
twelve. The fairy then advises him to buy another card for 500 pounds. This
time he does and gets a three. "Buy another for 500 pounds," says the fairy.
This time he gets a five so he's got twenty with four cards. The fairy tells
him to buy another for 500 pounds. He thinks to himself that the fairy's been
right so far, so he complies. He gets dealt an ace. The fairy falls off his
shoulder crying, "You lucky bastard!"
==========================
A lady goes into a hardware store and asks for a hinge. The man at the
counter gets one for her and asks "Do you want a screw for that hinge?".
The lady says "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over
there!".
==========================
Q: What is red and full of feathers?
A: A fallen angel.
------------------------------------------- 6442---
A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told
he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist
Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to
Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored.
"What's it like in there?" asked Dave.
"Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist
Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line
of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven
times before receding off into the horizon.
Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found
Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell
was like.
"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested
Dave.
"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we
don't have knives ..."
------------------------------------------- 6443---
This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software
engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The
service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought
they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if
we ignore it, it'll go away'.
------------------------------------------- 6444---
The pope died. Like all good christians he went to heaven and knocked on
the door. Peter opened. The pope said: "I'm the pope."
Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus.
"I have someone here who says he's the pope, do you know him?"
Jesus answered: "No, never heared of him, send him to hell."
Peter told the pope. "That can't be true, ring God himself," the pope said.
So Peter rang God and said: "Here's someone who says he's the pope, do you
know him?" God answered: "No, never heard of him, send him to hell."
And again Peter told the pope. "The last chance I have is the Holy Spirit,"
the pope said. Peter rang him and said: "I have someone here who says he's
the pope, you know him?"
"Yes," he said, "I know him. He's the one who told everyone I got Maria
pregnant. Send him to hell".
==========================.
In the old days in Finland, all young men had to go through some rites of
passage to show that they were REAL FINNISH MEN. The usual set consisted of
three tests: 1) Empty a full bottle of vodka without pause, 2) Go out in the
forest to kill a bear with bare hands, and 3) rape a woman.
When Pekka had reached the age of the rites of passage, he had no trouble
at all with the vodka. He disappeared into the forest, and came back three
days later, with clothes torn and blood dripping from several wounds. Then
he said: "Now where's the woman I have to kill?"
==========================
A slightly drunk man walked into a bar, went up to the bartender,
and said, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my right eye!" Noticing the
man had had a few to drink, the bartender took him up on it. The
drunk then proceded to pop out a glass eyeball, and bite it. The
bartender paid, and the man left.
The next day, the man returned, a little drunker than the previous
day, and he said to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my
left eye!" Knowing that the man couldn't have two glass eyes, the
bartender again took him up on it. This time, the man pulled out his
false teeth and 'bit' his eye. (Ouch!) The bartender paid up.
The next day, the man came in stone drunk. He went to the
bartender and said, "I'll give you a chance to get your money back.
I'll bet you a hundred dollars that you can put a shot glass on the
other end of the bar, and I can stand on this end (20 feet away) and
piss in it, without getting a single drop outside the glass.
The bartender just couldn't pass up the chance to get his $100
back, and the guy was very drunk, so he again took the drunk up on his
bet. He put the shot glass on the other end of the bar, and the drunk
simply pissed all over the bar. The bartender smiled and said, "You lost!"
The drunk just smiled and gave him the hundred dollars.
The bartender said, "You're not too unhappy about losing all your
money. Why not?" The drunk exclaimed, "Because I just bet this guy
at the table $2000 I could piss all over your bar, and you wouldn't
care!"
------------------------------------------- 6445---
A whole bunch of guys are hanging out in their usual bar after work
one day when this very attractive woman walks in and sits down right in
the midst of them. After about two minutes of amazed looks one of the
men manages to ask the woman her name.
"Don't you recognize me guys? It's me, Bernie. I had a sex change!"
Well, the men are all amazed at how their old drinking buddy, Bernie,
looks with all his new equipment. So they buy some more drinks and get
to talking about old times with Bernie/Bernice.
After a few hours, the conversation rolls around to the subject of
Bernice's operation.
So one of the guys says,"Tell me Bernice, what was the most painful
thing about the operation? Was it when they cut your dick off?"
Bernice says,"No. That was painful, but that wasn't the most painful
thing."
So another guy pipes up, "I'll bet I know! I'll bet the worst
part was when they cut your balls off, right?"
"No.", Bernice says, "That really hurt too, but that wasn't the
worst part either."
Finally, one of the men asks, "Well, just what was the worst, most
painful part of the operation that turned you into a woman?"
And Bernice replies, "When they cut my skull open and removed half
my brain!"
==========================
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles.
First one says to the other:
"I've never come this way before."
Other says: "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."
==========================
Q. Do you know what mothballs smell like?
A. Yes.
Q. Really, how do you get their little legs apart?
Q. How do you make a hormone?
A. Don't pay her.
Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
A: A nervous wreck.
==========================
Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we got away from those headhunters!"
Skipper: "You can say that again, little buddy!"
Gilligan: "Gee Skipper! I sure am glad we . . ."
==========================
An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing
their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening.
The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had
progressed so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and
cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men
in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new workers
in the job market.
At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had
cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people
in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the
job market.
Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the
U.S. we took one asshole, made it President, and now there are
10 million people in the market for a job."
------------------------------------------- 6446---
The Avon lady was selling her wares to someone on
the top floor. She was there a long time. By the time
she got on the elevator, she needed to fart really bad.
She held it a couple of floors, but finally cut loose.
It smelled horrible, so she got some of her pine air
freshener out of her Avon bag and sprayed it liberally
around the elevator;she figured no one would notice.
She went down several floors and no one got on the
elevor;she thought she was in the clear, so she farted
again and sprayed again. The next floor an old drunk
got on the elevator. He said "Goddamn lady- it smells
like you just shit a Christmas tree!"
------------------------------------------- 6447---
Having pulled out my Book of Anecdotes, I found what should likely
be the first (MY contention) entry in the Cannonical List of
Lawyer jokes. A story told of former President and General, U.S.
Grant;
Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S.
Grant did not recommend himself to strangers by looks. He
once entered an inn at Galena, Illinois, on a stormy
winter's night. A number of lawyers, in town for a court
session, were clustered around the fire. One looked up as
Grant appeared and said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen,
and by the looks of him he's traveled through hell itself
to get here."
"That's right," said Grant cheerfully.
"And how did you find things down there?"
"Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to
the fire."
==========================
After a long, somewhat confusing lecture in my numerical analysis class
about finite difference methods, Newton's and Secant methods, the professor
mentioned that the analysis he had discussed led easily into the
investigation of better methods of function minimization, including
"Higher order polynomial fits". The person next to me quipped:
"That's what everyone in the class is having right now."
Chet (dfrank@yoda.UUCP)
------------------------------------------- 6448---
Yugo owner: "I want a radiator cap for my Yugo"
Parts salesman: "that sounds like a fair trade"
==========================
Talent Show
-----------
Angela, David, And Mae Are The Young Stars In The Talent Show. Their Ages
Are 5, 7, And 8. From The Information Given, Determine Each Child's Full
Name ( One Last Name Is Starr ) And Age.
1. Miss Grant Is Three Years Older That Angela.
2. The Child Whose Last Name Is Diamond Is Seven Years Old.
Need The Answer? Got An Answer!!! Want The Answer!!!
Send E-MAIL....CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
------------------------------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
One Will Only Find Peace Within Himself.....If He Looks!
------------------------------------------- 6449---
DECK THE DOOR
-------------
Aretha And Three Of Her Friends Made Christmas Wreaths Last Weekend. Each Used
A Different Material For The Weaths, Added Different Colored Ornamental Balls,
And Chose Different Decorations To Complete The Wreath. Using The Information
Provided, Can You Determine The First And Last Names Of The Person Who Made
Each Wreath ( One Last Name O'Connor ), And The Material, Color Of Ornamental
Balls, And The Type Of Decoration Used On Each Wreath?
1. Mary Did Not Use Candy Canes Or Tiny Gift Boxex For
Decoration, Or Red Or White Ornamental Balls.
2. Winters, Whose First Name Is Not David, Did Not Use
Stars For Decoration Or Silver Balls.
3. The One Surnamed Decker Did Not Use Pine Cones Or
Evergreen Branches For The Wreath. The One Who Used
Evergreen Branches Did Not Use Stars For Decoration.
4. The Person Surnamed Towers, Who Did Not Use Gift Boxes
For Decoration, Is Neither The One Who Used Holly Leaves
For The Wreath Nor The One Who Used Silver Balls.
5. Nick, Who Did Not Use Candy Canes For Decoration, Is
Neither Winters Nor The Person Who Used Ribbons For
Decoration, Who Did Not Use Gold.
6. The Person Who Used Ribbons Used Neither Holly Leaves
For The Wreath Nor Silver Balls. The Silver Balls Were
Not Put On The Grapevine Wreath.
7. David, Who Did Not Use White Balls, Is Not Towers.
Need The Answer? Got An Answer!!! Want The Answer!!!
Send E-MAIL....CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
------------------------------------
C.JamesCallaway
---------------
C.JamesCallaway_---------------
CALLAWAYCJ@EA.USL.EDU
One Will Only Find Peace Within Himself.....If He Looks!
------------------------------------------- 6450---
In article <1990Oct12.141401.21215@virtech.uucp> tracy@virtech.uucp (Tracy L.
Brooks) writes:
>
>You must not have any fear in GOD because you are talking about
>His creation. God will punish those that blapheme His name.
One day when I was praying I suddenly realized that I was talking to
myself. It was then that I came up with the following story.
-- the preceding joke is NOT original, but the following story
is.
v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v
> <
< /--\ >
> ! !nce upon a time there was a Master Programmer who created three <
< \--/ intelligent processes. He started all these processes up >
> with no information about the world. After a while He came <
< back to the processes. The first process printed out "I think >
> therefore I am," and continued deriving philosophy from first <
< principles. The Master Programmer looked upon the process and saw >
-> that it was good (though He made a note to himself that the next <
< process that He would write wouldn't fall into the Cartesian >
> Circle). The second process printed "I don't believe in the Master <
< Programmer. Fuck the Master Programmer." The Master Programmer >
> laughed and watched the process evolve its ideas. Finally, the <
< Master Programmer looked at the third process. The third process >
> was printing "I love the Master Programmer. I love the Master <
< Programmer. I love the Master Programmer..." over and over. The >
> Master Programmer could see that this process was caught in an <
< infinite loop, so He sent it a kill -9 signal. >