50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF PEOPLE
IN THE COMPUTER LAB

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1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face
and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
duty that youcan't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned
it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a
good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it
at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn
it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you
have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue
typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as
if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say,
"Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time
required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream
"YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
(It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to
make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The
Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time
required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it
to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and
then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive,
when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After
doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person
next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the
person next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making
sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up,
as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let
them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as
you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family
on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes
and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by
layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku
about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain
about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
and continue working.

32. Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is
smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A
Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum
its note loudly. Write an entire pape this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying
"Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the
keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the
space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your
neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times,
erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your*
delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space
bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted
about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly
exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar
this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out
your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For
special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk
drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.
Keep laughing,grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or
the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up
from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh,
good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk
to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before
they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that
the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species
of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence,
then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss
the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy
mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then
the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest
person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my
pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Ladava Matjaz
e-mail: matjaz.ladava(kiss.muzej.si
http://www.kiss.muzej.si/(k4fe0124/index.html